Differences, Distance and Detachment: The Stalemate of Stubbornness

September 9, 2009

My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”

Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.

And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).

We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.

But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!

You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.

Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.

So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?

Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”

How does this connect with our most important relationships?

Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?

But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.

As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.

Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.

It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.

So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???

It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.

You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.

Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.

We’ll make it again because I value my wife.

I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.