Forgiveness...when freedom is forged where fury once raged.
It is far easier to talk about forgiveness then to walk out forgiveness. The deeper and more intense our hurts, the harder for most of us to forgive. Yet, as we know, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves not just for the other person.
And does time heal? Only if we choose to forgive and let the offense go. When we do so and with time, there will be less raw sting with the fading memory of the details. Pain begins to subside and memories are far less frequent.
Beyond this, life goes on. There will be lots of other good life events that we could miss if we get stuck in our bitterness. Intrinsically, we know we need to move on. Health wise, it is better by far to let the hurt go. Emotionally, we get exhausted brooding over the offense time and time again. We must decide to forgive.
Still, forgiveness is a process. It will involve repeated steps of surrender that reaffirm the initial decision to release the person. As memories and reactions jump up like spot fires, you will need to douse the flames as long as you smell smoke.
It is critical that you are not anticipating a Hollywood ending to your situation. When you attempt to resolve a broken relationship because of an offense, it may not work out as you had hoped. They may never see things like you do. They may not even see any need to apologize.
My dear wife, Donalyn, after confronting a relative on a very hurtful issue conveying the willingness to forgive them without even being asked, he blew up at her and blamed her even more. I know, because she handed me the phone in tears. Not a Hollywood ending but still the right thing to do.
Remember too it is easier to forgive any hurtful oversight that was non-intentional or a plain mistake. Forgiveness comes much harder when we know that the actions were premeditated, intentional and not accidental. Now let’s walk through what you must do.
STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
1. GET OUTSIDE INPUT: Talk to an objective person to help you see from the other person’s perspective. Get the backing of those who want you to do what is right and move through the forgiveness process.
2. ACHIEVE PRE-MEETING FORGIVENESS: Forgive them before you contact them. Work it through in your heart. Let your pardon be complete where it matters most....inside you.
3. TAKE THE STEP: Determine how to best communicate your desire to extend forgiveness. This will be based on the nature of the relationship, how strained things are, and their availability. Your options include a letter or card, a phone call or in person. Though helpful in most cases, you don’t have to do it in person. Whatever route you choose, put your thoughts on paper as if going in a letter so you can be clear when you do talk on the phone or in person.
4. GET HELP FROM ABOVE: God can be an ally in your forgiveness. Seriously, trying to forgive is hard. Ask God to strengthen you to do what is right. Ask Him to help you let go of the need to get even or find retribution. Many have found added strength and conviction when then include God in the equation.
5. SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE: Forgive with your eyes wide open accepting and admitting that the offense really affected you. Share your thoughts on the issues and how their choices have hurt you. This may help them empathize with you and see the impact of their actions. Don’t focus on assigning blame; simply disclose how it affected you.
6. SURRENDER THE HURT: Release them of your sense of injustice and right to payback. Don’t try to downplay the pain to make it feel like no big deal. Move ahead to do what you know is right. Let go of your need to know why they did it or how they could have done it. Just let it go.
7. DON’T SEEK AN APOLOGY: Kill the need to get their understanding, agreement or apology. Go with an “it’s a done deal” attitude on forgiveness. They may not know the extent of your hurt, not share your view on the issues or that they need forgiving at all.
8. EXPRESS YOUR FORGIVENESS: Actually tell them you forgive them. Don’t wait for them to ask. Yes, it is a brave step but a critical step to verbalize it. Weigh the hurt you are letting go against the freedom that you want and choose to forgive from the heart. If they choose to apologize...bonus.
9. GIVE THEM TIME: Give them a chance to respond. Sometimes their explaining feels like they are trying to justify their behavior. Be patient and seek to hear them out. If its clear that your pain is being depreciated rather than validated, it may be time to leave. If it was a risk to meet with them and they are now trying to blame you, simply excuse yourself.
10. RESTORE THE RELATIONSHIP: Open the door to restore the relationship if it is wise. If your time with them goes well and you sense a sincere attitude of empathy and apology, proceed to engage. Do this only if you are ready and genuinely feel safe. You can forgive the person and still not continue the relationship. Sometimes that is best.
The challenge is to follow through with these steps. Pass this along to a friend who is being destroyed in the bitterness game!
Other Blogs on this topic: What is Forgiveness and Why Should I Forgive?
Showing posts with label Hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hurt. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE?
Our hurts come in many shapes and sizes. And hurts require forgiveness. The range of your pain could be anything from simple frustration over your sister borrowing your clothes to sheer rage over the bad memories of your Dad kicking the crap out of you. The situations causing the pain are limitless. You may have faced a boyfriend dumping you, harsh words from a co-worker, lies from a friend, unfair treatment from a spouse, a parent constantly belittling you, a recent date rape, divorce papers being filed or battles over your step-children. The list goes on...
But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.
Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.
But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?
Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.
YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.
BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.
BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.
YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.
GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.
When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.
Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.
Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.
But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.
Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.
But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?
Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.
YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.
BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.
BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.
YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.
GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.
When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.
Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.
Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
The hurt and disappointment was eating me alive. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t laugh. I seemed fixated, almost hour-by-hour, on this powerful sense of injustice. It had a stranglehold on me. A deep-seated bitterness was on the verge of suffocating me.
Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.
Maybe you are like me, maybe not.
When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.
After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?
It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.
Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.
We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.
What does it mean to forgive?
It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.
Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.
It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.
It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?
Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.
That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.
At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.
It is a very hard thing to do.
Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.
By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.
Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Why should I Forgive...
Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.
Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.
Maybe you are like me, maybe not.
When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.
After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?
It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.
Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.
We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.
What does it mean to forgive?
It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.
Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.
It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.
It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?
Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.
That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.
At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.
It is a very hard thing to do.
Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.
By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.
Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Why should I Forgive...
Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Differences, Distance and Detachment: The Stalemate of Stubbornness
September 9, 2009
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
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