A FEW GOOD MEN

October 21, 2009

I believe every man needs a “Few Good Men!”

Don’t think this is a sexist thing. Ladies, I admit that you seem to have this part of life figured out better than we do. You share your struggles so freely. You enter into each other’s pain and loss with reckless abandon. You solve problems by consensus. You express your support unreservedly. By nature, you are more compassionate, more empathetic, and more engaged with one another.

Men are another story. We can be lone rangers.

I borrow the title, “A Few Good Men”, from the 1992 movie, as I am referring to what most men are missing – that deep sense of brotherhood – a bond of trust with a pledge of undying support from a handful of key others. These are men who, no different than firefighters, are there to hold the net when you are forced to jump by faith into the darkness and fog below. We all have those threatening times and we need people – real safety nets.

Recently and tragically, a man is his fifties in our network ended his life. So sad. He is gone. His family is devastated. I hurt deeply for them but I wonder what would have happened if he had had a safety net...a few good men that he could have decided to open up to in his pain. But no, he had downplayed any perceived difficulties even to his family. For him, he pretended everything was just fine...at least until the garage door was closed and locked from the inside.

He had no safety net.

We see the most graphic depictions of men paying the price for each other in war movies like Blackhawk Down or Saving Private Ryan. Here we see male heroics go to the extremes for the life of one of their buds. Over the years, the words “I got your back” has grown to mean a ton to many men...at least to those who have had a taste of what that backing feels like.

I have had that taste. Now I can’t live without it.

And it was pointed out to me this week that I was so wise to have a few good men in my life to bounce off life’s deepest questions and most complicated moments. Me wise...I don’t know, but incredibly fortunate...without any doubt!

You see, I am on a journey right now through a dark and difficult valley that is totally foreign to me. My vocational malaise forces me to painstakingly navigate my way almost daily around ditches and drop-offs like disappointment, betrayal, and invalidation. Being in this uncharted emotional territory of insignificance with such imminent existential danger feels almost like going through “the valley of the shadow”.

I am there.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out the other side...if I will make it. Yet, it would be so much worse if I were trying to go it alone.

Enter a few good men...more important, MY few good men. Deep in my guts I know they will leave no man behind! They have me covered.

There is such power instilled through a trusted, assuring voice, such validation given in the recognition of pain and loss, and such renewed perspective gained through listening to wise words.

One guy calls just to find out how I am really doing and doesn’t accept the surface answer. A second challenges me to let go of a hurt that is suffocating me. Another looks me in my face and says, “It ain’t over Currie, there’s more” referring to a good future still ahead. One even leaves a voice message actually praying for me. Unbelievable!

As the wise proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We all need a few good people to bring the best out of us...to be our safety net from what life throws at us.

Good Friends Shoot Straight

September 21, 2009

Faithful are the wounds of a friend…a very wise proverb! Let me show you why.

I know him for 25 years this past February. He’s a really close friend…and boy,

did he lay the smack down on me today!!!

He told me straight. He pulled no punches. He challenged me that others had it worse and I needed to just accept where things were at for the time being because neither worrying nor griping about them would change a thing.

To be honest, inside I felt sorry for myself. Is this what good friends do? After all, he wasn’t being very compassionate. Couldn’t he see how much hurt this had brought me?

But was I looking for a balanced perspective or a boatload of sympathy? Okay, so it was the sympathy…I just wanted someone to commiserate. To tell my how unfair this was.

But what he gave me was like existential smelling salts.

Though my head snapped back in disbelief, I soon came to my senses realizing it was exactly what I needed to hear. Truth always anchors you! And real friends tell it like it is.

And to prove how good a friend he was, he called back later with a voice message of encouragement to make sure I had taken it well and I knew he was in my corner.

Looking back, I sense a theme surfacing…on another occasion when I had felt completely trashed by a co-worker, my very challenging executive coach at the time told me in very gracious and articulate words that continuing to focus on the negative circumstances and feeling sorry for myself would not get me anywhere.

So I asked him directly, “are you saying that I need to suck it up?”

He softly said, “Yes, I guess I am.”

No, not merely a trend…because at another intersection in my life with difficulty and chaos, a 3rd good friend called me account, “You have to shoulder this load – it’s your turn for hard times.”

What are you looking for in a friend? It’s so true that we all need a place where we can both brag or bellyache and be accepted for either. They can rejoice when you do and actually be happy for you. That can get choked with you at some injustice you have faced. Friends can hurt with you.

But…they don’t let you wallow in your emotional mud. Brooding over broken dreams only leads to bitterness and not betterment.

Good friends aren't afraid to speak truth to you even if it’s tough for you to hear it. Schmucks tell you what you want to hear; they tell you anything so you approve of them and their friendship. Listen to the right voices in your life.

Interesting that all three of these friends told me to go to God for the greatest sense of peace and wisdom in the confusion…so I did.