HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE?

Forgiveness...when freedom is forged where fury once raged.

It is far easier to talk about forgiveness then to walk out forgiveness. The deeper and more intense our hurts, the harder for most of us to forgive. Yet, as we know, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves not just for the other person.

And does time heal? Only if we choose to forgive and let the offense go. When we do so and with time, there will be less raw sting with the fading memory of the details. Pain begins to subside and memories are far less frequent.

Beyond this, life goes on. There will be lots of other good life events that we could miss if we get stuck in our bitterness. Intrinsically, we know we need to move on. Health wise, it is better by far to let the hurt go. Emotionally, we get exhausted brooding over the offense time and time again. We must decide to forgive.

Still, forgiveness is a process. It will involve repeated steps of surrender that reaffirm the initial decision to release the person. As memories and reactions jump up like spot fires, you will need to douse the flames as long as you smell smoke.

It is critical that you are not anticipating a Hollywood ending to your situation. When you attempt to resolve a broken relationship because of an offense, it may not work out as you had hoped. They may never see things like you do. They may not even see any need to apologize.

My dear wife, Donalyn, after confronting a relative on a very hurtful issue conveying the willingness to forgive them without even being asked, he blew up at her and blamed her even more. I know, because she handed me the phone in tears. Not a Hollywood ending but still the right thing to do.

Remember too it is easier to forgive any hurtful oversight that was non-intentional or a plain mistake. Forgiveness comes much harder when we know that the actions were premeditated, intentional and not accidental. Now let’s walk through what you must do.

STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. GET OUTSIDE INPUT: Talk to an objective person to help you see from the other person’s perspective. Get the backing of those who want you to do what is right and move through the forgiveness process.

2. ACHIEVE PRE-MEETING FORGIVENESS: Forgive them before you contact them. Work it through in your heart. Let your pardon be complete where it matters most....inside you.

3. TAKE THE STEP: Determine how to best communicate your desire to extend forgiveness. This will be based on the nature of the relationship, how strained things are, and their availability. Your options include a letter or card, a phone call or in person. Though helpful in most cases, you don’t have to do it in person. Whatever route you choose, put your thoughts on paper as if going in a letter so you can be clear when you do talk on the phone or in person.

4. GET HELP FROM ABOVE: God can be an ally in your forgiveness. Seriously, trying to forgive is hard. Ask God to strengthen you to do what is right. Ask Him to help you let go of the need to get even or find retribution. Many have found added strength and conviction when then include God in the equation.

5. SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE: Forgive with your eyes wide open accepting and admitting that the offense really affected you. Share your thoughts on the issues and how their choices have hurt you. This may help them empathize with you and see the impact of their actions. Don’t focus on assigning blame; simply disclose how it affected you.

6. SURRENDER THE HURT: Release them of your sense of injustice and right to payback. Don’t try to downplay the pain to make it feel like no big deal. Move ahead to do what you know is right. Let go of your need to know why they did it or how they could have done it. Just let it go.

7. DON’T SEEK AN APOLOGY: Kill the need to get their understanding, agreement or apology. Go with an “it’s a done deal” attitude on forgiveness. They may not know the extent of your hurt, not share your view on the issues or that they need forgiving at all.

8. EXPRESS YOUR FORGIVENESS: Actually tell them you forgive them. Don’t wait for them to ask. Yes, it is a brave step but a critical step to verbalize it. Weigh the hurt you are letting go against the freedom that you want and choose to forgive from the heart. If they choose to apologize...bonus.

9. GIVE THEM TIME: Give them a chance to respond. Sometimes their explaining feels like they are trying to justify their behavior. Be patient and seek to hear them out. If its clear that your pain is being depreciated rather than validated, it may be time to leave. If it was a risk to meet with them and they are now trying to blame you, simply excuse yourself.

10. RESTORE THE RELATIONSHIP: Open the door to restore the relationship if it is wise. If your time with them goes well and you sense a sincere attitude of empathy and apology, proceed to engage. Do this only if you are ready and genuinely feel safe. You can forgive the person and still not continue the relationship. Sometimes that is best.

The challenge is to follow through with these steps. Pass this along to a friend who is being destroyed in the bitterness game!

Other Blogs on this topic: What is Forgiveness and Why Should I Forgive?