Meyer Returns to His First Team

MEYER RETURNS TO HIS FIRST TEAM

Urban Meyer resigned as University of Florida’s head football coach today. How refreshing! Whether or not you follow college football is immaterial. I challenge you to read on and find out why.

I watched as the live press conference unfolded. Urban Meyer, one of the most successful coaches in college football history, is stepping away from what he called “the greatest job in college football” and from what sports analysts say is an estimated $15-20 million dollars in direct and indirect revenue. And why... because of his family.

STOP! Read it again...because of his family.

He wanted to be available to support his own kids through their college sports careers. His statement was short and to the point. He was stepping down for his family.

He then fielded questions from the press gallery. It was like reporters were looking for more. After likely 5 or 6 questions, one reporter, who could not get his mind wrapped around Meyer’s one and only answer, tried to get it clear, and asked, “Coach, I simply want to know... (major pause for emphasis)...why?” The implication was that there must be more to it.

That’s what angered me.

There is no scandal - no dark secrets. He simply stated again with eyes steady and sure, “like I said, it’s for family.” It seems it would be much more understandable and certainly more newsworthy if he had been indicted over being involved with a cheerleader. But going home to be a better dad? Most were not catching it.

Here’s the point: Meyer is a good man and has made a hard decision that many career people question. Yet, he was leaving this job he loved for what he thought were better reasons – his family.

How rare. How commendable.

We hear incessantly in the news the stories of coaches and leaders resigning because of moral failures, ethical compromises, or extra-marital affairs. But here is a man stepping down for one of the best reasons in life – making his family priority.

We all can imagine the toll that many spouses and children pay for being the family of men in the high-profiled and pressured positions like Meyers held. What usually happens when trying to juggle the demands of this kind of profession with family life?
Face it, When a ball gets dropped, it isn’t a football. To Meyer, his family had paid enough. He wisely readjusted his life priorities to reflect something he would never regret.

One veteran reporter said, “ I can see the sparkle in your eyes again, coach, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You’re at peace with your decision, aren’t you?”

I saw it too.

Imagine what kind of message Urban’s decision is sending to Shelley and their three kids, Nicki, Gigi, and Nate. You say it in your words; I’ll say it in mine. But anyone could see it in the eyes of the Meyer’s kids as the camera shot close-ups of them during the press conference. Their dad’s decision screamed to them, “You are the most important gift I have in life. More important than money, fame and career. I want to be there with you and for you” I would have loved to hear the private conversations following the press questions on the ride home. I can visualize the hugs and the many versions of “thank you Daddy.”

One thing Meyer said that really stuck out to me, “ I want to redeem the years. I have missed so much of the lives of my kids due to football. I just want to try to make it up to them.”

Meyers is not a perfect Dad or coach. His football success can be clearly documented. Now we get to watch him fully excel at his other role – Dad. Why not take a page of the Coach’s Family Playbook and redeem some time with your family?

Three cheers for Urban Meyer for being a man of courage and principle and congratulations to Shelley, Nicki, Gigi and Nate for getting your husband and dad fully back on your team.

And remember, you’ll never regret putting your marriage and family first.

Copyright By Dr. Dave Currie – December 8, 2010

HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE?

Forgiveness...when freedom is forged where fury once raged.

It is far easier to talk about forgiveness then to walk out forgiveness. The deeper and more intense our hurts, the harder for most of us to forgive. Yet, as we know, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves not just for the other person.

And does time heal? Only if we choose to forgive and let the offense go. When we do so and with time, there will be less raw sting with the fading memory of the details. Pain begins to subside and memories are far less frequent.

Beyond this, life goes on. There will be lots of other good life events that we could miss if we get stuck in our bitterness. Intrinsically, we know we need to move on. Health wise, it is better by far to let the hurt go. Emotionally, we get exhausted brooding over the offense time and time again. We must decide to forgive.

Still, forgiveness is a process. It will involve repeated steps of surrender that reaffirm the initial decision to release the person. As memories and reactions jump up like spot fires, you will need to douse the flames as long as you smell smoke.

It is critical that you are not anticipating a Hollywood ending to your situation. When you attempt to resolve a broken relationship because of an offense, it may not work out as you had hoped. They may never see things like you do. They may not even see any need to apologize.

My dear wife, Donalyn, after confronting a relative on a very hurtful issue conveying the willingness to forgive them without even being asked, he blew up at her and blamed her even more. I know, because she handed me the phone in tears. Not a Hollywood ending but still the right thing to do.

Remember too it is easier to forgive any hurtful oversight that was non-intentional or a plain mistake. Forgiveness comes much harder when we know that the actions were premeditated, intentional and not accidental. Now let’s walk through what you must do.

STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. GET OUTSIDE INPUT: Talk to an objective person to help you see from the other person’s perspective. Get the backing of those who want you to do what is right and move through the forgiveness process.

2. ACHIEVE PRE-MEETING FORGIVENESS: Forgive them before you contact them. Work it through in your heart. Let your pardon be complete where it matters most....inside you.

3. TAKE THE STEP: Determine how to best communicate your desire to extend forgiveness. This will be based on the nature of the relationship, how strained things are, and their availability. Your options include a letter or card, a phone call or in person. Though helpful in most cases, you don’t have to do it in person. Whatever route you choose, put your thoughts on paper as if going in a letter so you can be clear when you do talk on the phone or in person.

4. GET HELP FROM ABOVE: God can be an ally in your forgiveness. Seriously, trying to forgive is hard. Ask God to strengthen you to do what is right. Ask Him to help you let go of the need to get even or find retribution. Many have found added strength and conviction when then include God in the equation.

5. SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE: Forgive with your eyes wide open accepting and admitting that the offense really affected you. Share your thoughts on the issues and how their choices have hurt you. This may help them empathize with you and see the impact of their actions. Don’t focus on assigning blame; simply disclose how it affected you.

6. SURRENDER THE HURT: Release them of your sense of injustice and right to payback. Don’t try to downplay the pain to make it feel like no big deal. Move ahead to do what you know is right. Let go of your need to know why they did it or how they could have done it. Just let it go.

7. DON’T SEEK AN APOLOGY: Kill the need to get their understanding, agreement or apology. Go with an “it’s a done deal” attitude on forgiveness. They may not know the extent of your hurt, not share your view on the issues or that they need forgiving at all.

8. EXPRESS YOUR FORGIVENESS: Actually tell them you forgive them. Don’t wait for them to ask. Yes, it is a brave step but a critical step to verbalize it. Weigh the hurt you are letting go against the freedom that you want and choose to forgive from the heart. If they choose to apologize...bonus.

9. GIVE THEM TIME: Give them a chance to respond. Sometimes their explaining feels like they are trying to justify their behavior. Be patient and seek to hear them out. If its clear that your pain is being depreciated rather than validated, it may be time to leave. If it was a risk to meet with them and they are now trying to blame you, simply excuse yourself.

10. RESTORE THE RELATIONSHIP: Open the door to restore the relationship if it is wise. If your time with them goes well and you sense a sincere attitude of empathy and apology, proceed to engage. Do this only if you are ready and genuinely feel safe. You can forgive the person and still not continue the relationship. Sometimes that is best.

The challenge is to follow through with these steps. Pass this along to a friend who is being destroyed in the bitterness game!

Other Blogs on this topic: What is Forgiveness and Why Should I Forgive?

WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE?

Our hurts come in many shapes and sizes. And hurts require forgiveness. The range of your pain could be anything from simple frustration over your sister borrowing your clothes to sheer rage over the bad memories of your Dad kicking the crap out of you. The situations causing the pain are limitless. You may have faced a boyfriend dumping you, harsh words from a co-worker, lies from a friend, unfair treatment from a spouse, a parent constantly belittling you, a recent date rape, divorce papers being filed or battles over your step-children. The list goes on...

But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.

Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.

But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?

Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.

YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.

BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.

BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.

YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.

GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.

When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.

Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.

Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

The hurt and disappointment was eating me alive. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t laugh. I seemed fixated, almost hour-by-hour, on this powerful sense of injustice. It had a stranglehold on me. A deep-seated bitterness was on the verge of suffocating me.

Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.

Maybe you are like me, maybe not.

When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.

After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?

It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.

Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.

We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.

What does it mean to forgive?

It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.

Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.

It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.

It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?

Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.

That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.

At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.

It is a very hard thing to do.

Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.

By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.

Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Why should I Forgive...

Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.

A FEW GOOD MEN

October 21, 2009

I believe every man needs a “Few Good Men!”

Don’t think this is a sexist thing. Ladies, I admit that you seem to have this part of life figured out better than we do. You share your struggles so freely. You enter into each other’s pain and loss with reckless abandon. You solve problems by consensus. You express your support unreservedly. By nature, you are more compassionate, more empathetic, and more engaged with one another.

Men are another story. We can be lone rangers.

I borrow the title, “A Few Good Men”, from the 1992 movie, as I am referring to what most men are missing – that deep sense of brotherhood – a bond of trust with a pledge of undying support from a handful of key others. These are men who, no different than firefighters, are there to hold the net when you are forced to jump by faith into the darkness and fog below. We all have those threatening times and we need people – real safety nets.

Recently and tragically, a man is his fifties in our network ended his life. So sad. He is gone. His family is devastated. I hurt deeply for them but I wonder what would have happened if he had had a safety net...a few good men that he could have decided to open up to in his pain. But no, he had downplayed any perceived difficulties even to his family. For him, he pretended everything was just fine...at least until the garage door was closed and locked from the inside.

He had no safety net.

We see the most graphic depictions of men paying the price for each other in war movies like Blackhawk Down or Saving Private Ryan. Here we see male heroics go to the extremes for the life of one of their buds. Over the years, the words “I got your back” has grown to mean a ton to many men...at least to those who have had a taste of what that backing feels like.

I have had that taste. Now I can’t live without it.

And it was pointed out to me this week that I was so wise to have a few good men in my life to bounce off life’s deepest questions and most complicated moments. Me wise...I don’t know, but incredibly fortunate...without any doubt!

You see, I am on a journey right now through a dark and difficult valley that is totally foreign to me. My vocational malaise forces me to painstakingly navigate my way almost daily around ditches and drop-offs like disappointment, betrayal, and invalidation. Being in this uncharted emotional territory of insignificance with such imminent existential danger feels almost like going through “the valley of the shadow”.

I am there.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out the other side...if I will make it. Yet, it would be so much worse if I were trying to go it alone.

Enter a few good men...more important, MY few good men. Deep in my guts I know they will leave no man behind! They have me covered.

There is such power instilled through a trusted, assuring voice, such validation given in the recognition of pain and loss, and such renewed perspective gained through listening to wise words.

One guy calls just to find out how I am really doing and doesn’t accept the surface answer. A second challenges me to let go of a hurt that is suffocating me. Another looks me in my face and says, “It ain’t over Currie, there’s more” referring to a good future still ahead. One even leaves a voice message actually praying for me. Unbelievable!

As the wise proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We all need a few good people to bring the best out of us...to be our safety net from what life throws at us.

The Power of Eyes

October 4, 2009

How could mere moments mean so much?

We, a family grouping of 6, were weaving our way single file through the parties waiting in the crowded entrance of Red Robin. I could sense my inner relief that we had gotten in and out before this rush. Then, in the throng, a familiar face came into view. A warm greeting of a good friend is always welcome, especially if you haven’t seen them for a while. Yet, this brief intersection of life had every potential of being merely a routine and polite exchange.

That’s why I write this. It could have been so typical, so mundane, but wasn’t.

The setting was pregnant with complexity. The distractions outnumbered the opportunities for anything more than a “hi”. After all, the place was teeming with activity, patrons jammed together, we were standing in the doorway, and half of my group had already left the building. But in a brief surreal moment, above the din of the tumult around us, a gift was given.

You see, this young mom with her 2 girls anchored safely in front of her, after a brief hug of greeting, was intentional to ask, “How are you doing.” What sounds very normal and very safe turned out to be so much more.

As incredibly lifting as her interest was, the power of her eyes is what touched me.

Kind eyes, caring eyes, genuine eyes. Eyes that spoke volumes though words were few. Eyes that made sure her concern was connecting and not being discarded. Eyes that searched for an answer not from my response, but rather from my heart.

There was something about her eyes…penetrating but not in an unnerving kind of way. You see with her question came with what felt like a refreshing deluge of empathy, like a waterfall of compassion, with every nourishing drop screaming “I am concerned about you!”

We know that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Eyes convey or deny truth. Why do you think we say to our children under interrogation, “look me in the eyes”? Because eyes tell all.

Eyes can say so much when there aren’t words to say. They confirm and bring with them a power that more than doubles the message…far more.

Her interaction with me didn’t cost her a lot but enriched me like crazy. I felt that windfall feeling like when a kid finds a cherished and celebrated quarter under the pop machine.

In those brief moments, the power of her eyes overflowed with the true meaning of “How are you doing?” There was a validation of my worth – as her eyes affirmed, “You matter to me.” There was a verification of love – as her eyes corroborated, “I care deeply about you.” And there was a confirmation of authenticity – as her eyes convinced me, “I am behind you in this.”

So when you and I take a moment to give an encouraging word to a friend, learn the lesson of the eyes. Maximize your message. Say it beyond words.

Others around me would have been oblivious to the impact that those brief moments had on me. My friend herself knows only the half at best.

Though she will remain anonymous, I called her this afternoon to thank her personally before I posted this.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?

September 28, 2009

His name is Peter Peters…really, no joke, that’s his real name.

He sat slightly slouched in front of me by his son at the college volleyball game this week. He was weathered from the years and sporting both hearing aids and cane. Though a senior member of the Geritol Generation, he was very attentive, engaged and conversant. Still, he is one that you could easily pass by without much notice.

Yet, his story transfixed me. I was humbled and awed.

The man lives with intention. At 97, he is still pressing ahead with goals and has a purpose statement each year that guides him. This year he wants to talk face to face with each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren to challenge them about life. Still trying to impact the lives of others. Amazing!!!

Most people never see the other side of 90 and if they make it that far they would be thrilled just to be breathing, eat soft foods and to think clearly let alone get around with some measure of health. But to set goals at 97 for what you want to accomplish that year? Extraordinary!

Then I felt it hit me…a strange mixture of being humbled and challenged. Would anything be a valid excuse for me not to be more intentional with my life? Wow, if anyone has an excuse for taking it easy, Pete would.

This is not about giving tribute to unusual man. It is about you and me and making the most of the days God gives us. It’s the challenge to make no more excuses, no more justifications, no more mere intentions. Instead, it’s about living intentional – believing you are here for a purpose and to make a difference with your life.

The good book has it pretty clear in when it states “The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. “ (Psalm 90).

The heart of wisdom comes from realizing we have a limited number of times the monthly calendar will turn. We need to use our time wisely and with purpose.

Someone has said, “if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” What are your goals? What is your purpose for this year? What are you aiming at?

Remember this Peter Principle- make a decision to make a difference every year of your life.

Never let purpose die. Live with the perennial spirit of anticipation and accomplishment. If you have breath, you have life and opportunity. Believe you can make a difference. Give yourself away…care for somebody.

Live each day driven by a sense of your destiny. Do whatever our Creator has called you to do and do it with all you might!

Don’t Peter out…he isn’t! Make your life count!