Forgiveness...when freedom is forged where fury once raged.
It is far easier to talk about forgiveness then to walk out forgiveness. The deeper and more intense our hurts, the harder for most of us to forgive. Yet, as we know, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves not just for the other person.
And does time heal? Only if we choose to forgive and let the offense go. When we do so and with time, there will be less raw sting with the fading memory of the details. Pain begins to subside and memories are far less frequent.
Beyond this, life goes on. There will be lots of other good life events that we could miss if we get stuck in our bitterness. Intrinsically, we know we need to move on. Health wise, it is better by far to let the hurt go. Emotionally, we get exhausted brooding over the offense time and time again. We must decide to forgive.
Still, forgiveness is a process. It will involve repeated steps of surrender that reaffirm the initial decision to release the person. As memories and reactions jump up like spot fires, you will need to douse the flames as long as you smell smoke.
It is critical that you are not anticipating a Hollywood ending to your situation. When you attempt to resolve a broken relationship because of an offense, it may not work out as you had hoped. They may never see things like you do. They may not even see any need to apologize.
My dear wife, Donalyn, after confronting a relative on a very hurtful issue conveying the willingness to forgive them without even being asked, he blew up at her and blamed her even more. I know, because she handed me the phone in tears. Not a Hollywood ending but still the right thing to do.
Remember too it is easier to forgive any hurtful oversight that was non-intentional or a plain mistake. Forgiveness comes much harder when we know that the actions were premeditated, intentional and not accidental. Now let’s walk through what you must do.
STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
1. GET OUTSIDE INPUT: Talk to an objective person to help you see from the other person’s perspective. Get the backing of those who want you to do what is right and move through the forgiveness process.
2. ACHIEVE PRE-MEETING FORGIVENESS: Forgive them before you contact them. Work it through in your heart. Let your pardon be complete where it matters most....inside you.
3. TAKE THE STEP: Determine how to best communicate your desire to extend forgiveness. This will be based on the nature of the relationship, how strained things are, and their availability. Your options include a letter or card, a phone call or in person. Though helpful in most cases, you don’t have to do it in person. Whatever route you choose, put your thoughts on paper as if going in a letter so you can be clear when you do talk on the phone or in person.
4. GET HELP FROM ABOVE: God can be an ally in your forgiveness. Seriously, trying to forgive is hard. Ask God to strengthen you to do what is right. Ask Him to help you let go of the need to get even or find retribution. Many have found added strength and conviction when then include God in the equation.
5. SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE: Forgive with your eyes wide open accepting and admitting that the offense really affected you. Share your thoughts on the issues and how their choices have hurt you. This may help them empathize with you and see the impact of their actions. Don’t focus on assigning blame; simply disclose how it affected you.
6. SURRENDER THE HURT: Release them of your sense of injustice and right to payback. Don’t try to downplay the pain to make it feel like no big deal. Move ahead to do what you know is right. Let go of your need to know why they did it or how they could have done it. Just let it go.
7. DON’T SEEK AN APOLOGY: Kill the need to get their understanding, agreement or apology. Go with an “it’s a done deal” attitude on forgiveness. They may not know the extent of your hurt, not share your view on the issues or that they need forgiving at all.
8. EXPRESS YOUR FORGIVENESS: Actually tell them you forgive them. Don’t wait for them to ask. Yes, it is a brave step but a critical step to verbalize it. Weigh the hurt you are letting go against the freedom that you want and choose to forgive from the heart. If they choose to apologize...bonus.
9. GIVE THEM TIME: Give them a chance to respond. Sometimes their explaining feels like they are trying to justify their behavior. Be patient and seek to hear them out. If its clear that your pain is being depreciated rather than validated, it may be time to leave. If it was a risk to meet with them and they are now trying to blame you, simply excuse yourself.
10. RESTORE THE RELATIONSHIP: Open the door to restore the relationship if it is wise. If your time with them goes well and you sense a sincere attitude of empathy and apology, proceed to engage. Do this only if you are ready and genuinely feel safe. You can forgive the person and still not continue the relationship. Sometimes that is best.
The challenge is to follow through with these steps. Pass this along to a friend who is being destroyed in the bitterness game!
Other Blogs on this topic: What is Forgiveness and Why Should I Forgive?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE?
Our hurts come in many shapes and sizes. And hurts require forgiveness. The range of your pain could be anything from simple frustration over your sister borrowing your clothes to sheer rage over the bad memories of your Dad kicking the crap out of you. The situations causing the pain are limitless. You may have faced a boyfriend dumping you, harsh words from a co-worker, lies from a friend, unfair treatment from a spouse, a parent constantly belittling you, a recent date rape, divorce papers being filed or battles over your step-children. The list goes on...
But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.
Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.
But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?
Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.
YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.
BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.
BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.
YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.
GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.
When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.
Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.
Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.
But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.
Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.
But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?
Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.
YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.
BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.
BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.
YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.
GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.
When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.
Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.
Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
The hurt and disappointment was eating me alive. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t laugh. I seemed fixated, almost hour-by-hour, on this powerful sense of injustice. It had a stranglehold on me. A deep-seated bitterness was on the verge of suffocating me.
Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.
Maybe you are like me, maybe not.
When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.
After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?
It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.
Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.
We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.
What does it mean to forgive?
It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.
Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.
It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.
It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?
Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.
That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.
At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.
It is a very hard thing to do.
Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.
By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.
Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Why should I Forgive...
Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.
Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.
Maybe you are like me, maybe not.
When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.
After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?
It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.
Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.
We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.
What does it mean to forgive?
It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.
Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.
It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.
It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?
Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.
That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.
At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.
It is a very hard thing to do.
Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.
By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.
Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Why should I Forgive...
Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A FEW GOOD MEN
October 21, 2009
I believe every man needs a “Few Good Men!”
Don’t think this is a sexist thing. Ladies, I admit that you seem to have this part of life figured out better than we do. You share your struggles so freely. You enter into each other’s pain and loss with reckless abandon. You solve problems by consensus. You express your support unreservedly. By nature, you are more compassionate, more empathetic, and more engaged with one another.
Men are another story. We can be lone rangers.
I borrow the title, “A Few Good Men”, from the 1992 movie, as I am referring to what most men are missing – that deep sense of brotherhood – a bond of trust with a pledge of undying support from a handful of key others. These are men who, no different than firefighters, are there to hold the net when you are forced to jump by faith into the darkness and fog below. We all have those threatening times and we need people – real safety nets.
Recently and tragically, a man is his fifties in our network ended his life. So sad. He is gone. His family is devastated. I hurt deeply for them but I wonder what would have happened if he had had a safety net...a few good men that he could have decided to open up to in his pain. But no, he had downplayed any perceived difficulties even to his family. For him, he pretended everything was just fine...at least until the garage door was closed and locked from the inside.
He had no safety net.
We see the most graphic depictions of men paying the price for each other in war movies like Blackhawk Down or Saving Private Ryan. Here we see male heroics go to the extremes for the life of one of their buds. Over the years, the words “I got your back” has grown to mean a ton to many men...at least to those who have had a taste of what that backing feels like.
I have had that taste. Now I can’t live without it.
And it was pointed out to me this week that I was so wise to have a few good men in my life to bounce off life’s deepest questions and most complicated moments. Me wise...I don’t know, but incredibly fortunate...without any doubt!
You see, I am on a journey right now through a dark and difficult valley that is totally foreign to me. My vocational malaise forces me to painstakingly navigate my way almost daily around ditches and drop-offs like disappointment, betrayal, and invalidation. Being in this uncharted emotional territory of insignificance with such imminent existential danger feels almost like going through “the valley of the shadow”.
I am there.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out the other side...if I will make it. Yet, it would be so much worse if I were trying to go it alone.
Enter a few good men...more important, MY few good men. Deep in my guts I know they will leave no man behind! They have me covered.
There is such power instilled through a trusted, assuring voice, such validation given in the recognition of pain and loss, and such renewed perspective gained through listening to wise words.
One guy calls just to find out how I am really doing and doesn’t accept the surface answer. A second challenges me to let go of a hurt that is suffocating me. Another looks me in my face and says, “It ain’t over Currie, there’s more” referring to a good future still ahead. One even leaves a voice message actually praying for me. Unbelievable!
As the wise proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We all need a few good people to bring the best out of us...to be our safety net from what life throws at us.
I believe every man needs a “Few Good Men!”
Don’t think this is a sexist thing. Ladies, I admit that you seem to have this part of life figured out better than we do. You share your struggles so freely. You enter into each other’s pain and loss with reckless abandon. You solve problems by consensus. You express your support unreservedly. By nature, you are more compassionate, more empathetic, and more engaged with one another.
Men are another story. We can be lone rangers.
I borrow the title, “A Few Good Men”, from the 1992 movie, as I am referring to what most men are missing – that deep sense of brotherhood – a bond of trust with a pledge of undying support from a handful of key others. These are men who, no different than firefighters, are there to hold the net when you are forced to jump by faith into the darkness and fog below. We all have those threatening times and we need people – real safety nets.
Recently and tragically, a man is his fifties in our network ended his life. So sad. He is gone. His family is devastated. I hurt deeply for them but I wonder what would have happened if he had had a safety net...a few good men that he could have decided to open up to in his pain. But no, he had downplayed any perceived difficulties even to his family. For him, he pretended everything was just fine...at least until the garage door was closed and locked from the inside.
He had no safety net.
We see the most graphic depictions of men paying the price for each other in war movies like Blackhawk Down or Saving Private Ryan. Here we see male heroics go to the extremes for the life of one of their buds. Over the years, the words “I got your back” has grown to mean a ton to many men...at least to those who have had a taste of what that backing feels like.
I have had that taste. Now I can’t live without it.
And it was pointed out to me this week that I was so wise to have a few good men in my life to bounce off life’s deepest questions and most complicated moments. Me wise...I don’t know, but incredibly fortunate...without any doubt!
You see, I am on a journey right now through a dark and difficult valley that is totally foreign to me. My vocational malaise forces me to painstakingly navigate my way almost daily around ditches and drop-offs like disappointment, betrayal, and invalidation. Being in this uncharted emotional territory of insignificance with such imminent existential danger feels almost like going through “the valley of the shadow”.
I am there.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out the other side...if I will make it. Yet, it would be so much worse if I were trying to go it alone.
Enter a few good men...more important, MY few good men. Deep in my guts I know they will leave no man behind! They have me covered.
There is such power instilled through a trusted, assuring voice, such validation given in the recognition of pain and loss, and such renewed perspective gained through listening to wise words.
One guy calls just to find out how I am really doing and doesn’t accept the surface answer. A second challenges me to let go of a hurt that is suffocating me. Another looks me in my face and says, “It ain’t over Currie, there’s more” referring to a good future still ahead. One even leaves a voice message actually praying for me. Unbelievable!
As the wise proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We all need a few good people to bring the best out of us...to be our safety net from what life throws at us.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Power of Eyes
October 4, 2009
How could mere moments mean so much?
We, a family grouping of 6, were weaving our way single file through the parties waiting in the crowded entrance of Red Robin. I could sense my inner relief that we had gotten in and out before this rush. Then, in the throng, a familiar face came into view. A warm greeting of a good friend is always welcome, especially if you haven’t seen them for a while. Yet, this brief intersection of life had every potential of being merely a routine and polite exchange.
That’s why I write this. It could have been so typical, so mundane, but wasn’t.
The setting was pregnant with complexity. The distractions outnumbered the opportunities for anything more than a “hi”. After all, the place was teeming with activity, patrons jammed together, we were standing in the doorway, and half of my group had already left the building. But in a brief surreal moment, above the din of the tumult around us, a gift was given.
You see, this young mom with her 2 girls anchored safely in front of her, after a brief hug of greeting, was intentional to ask, “How are you doing.” What sounds very normal and very safe turned out to be so much more.
As incredibly lifting as her interest was, the power of her eyes is what touched me.
Kind eyes, caring eyes, genuine eyes. Eyes that spoke volumes though words were few. Eyes that made sure her concern was connecting and not being discarded. Eyes that searched for an answer not from my response, but rather from my heart.
There was something about her eyes…penetrating but not in an unnerving kind of way. You see with her question came with what felt like a refreshing deluge of empathy, like a waterfall of compassion, with every nourishing drop screaming “I am concerned about you!”
We know that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Eyes convey or deny truth. Why do you think we say to our children under interrogation, “look me in the eyes”? Because eyes tell all.
Eyes can say so much when there aren’t words to say. They confirm and bring with them a power that more than doubles the message…far more.
Her interaction with me didn’t cost her a lot but enriched me like crazy. I felt that windfall feeling like when a kid finds a cherished and celebrated quarter under the pop machine.
In those brief moments, the power of her eyes overflowed with the true meaning of “How are you doing?” There was a validation of my worth – as her eyes affirmed, “You matter to me.” There was a verification of love – as her eyes corroborated, “I care deeply about you.” And there was a confirmation of authenticity – as her eyes convinced me, “I am behind you in this.”
So when you and I take a moment to give an encouraging word to a friend, learn the lesson of the eyes. Maximize your message. Say it beyond words.
Others around me would have been oblivious to the impact that those brief moments had on me. My friend herself knows only the half at best.
Though she will remain anonymous, I called her this afternoon to thank her personally before I posted this.
How could mere moments mean so much?
We, a family grouping of 6, were weaving our way single file through the parties waiting in the crowded entrance of Red Robin. I could sense my inner relief that we had gotten in and out before this rush. Then, in the throng, a familiar face came into view. A warm greeting of a good friend is always welcome, especially if you haven’t seen them for a while. Yet, this brief intersection of life had every potential of being merely a routine and polite exchange.
That’s why I write this. It could have been so typical, so mundane, but wasn’t.
The setting was pregnant with complexity. The distractions outnumbered the opportunities for anything more than a “hi”. After all, the place was teeming with activity, patrons jammed together, we were standing in the doorway, and half of my group had already left the building. But in a brief surreal moment, above the din of the tumult around us, a gift was given.
You see, this young mom with her 2 girls anchored safely in front of her, after a brief hug of greeting, was intentional to ask, “How are you doing.” What sounds very normal and very safe turned out to be so much more.
As incredibly lifting as her interest was, the power of her eyes is what touched me.
Kind eyes, caring eyes, genuine eyes. Eyes that spoke volumes though words were few. Eyes that made sure her concern was connecting and not being discarded. Eyes that searched for an answer not from my response, but rather from my heart.
There was something about her eyes…penetrating but not in an unnerving kind of way. You see with her question came with what felt like a refreshing deluge of empathy, like a waterfall of compassion, with every nourishing drop screaming “I am concerned about you!”
We know that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Eyes convey or deny truth. Why do you think we say to our children under interrogation, “look me in the eyes”? Because eyes tell all.
Eyes can say so much when there aren’t words to say. They confirm and bring with them a power that more than doubles the message…far more.
Her interaction with me didn’t cost her a lot but enriched me like crazy. I felt that windfall feeling like when a kid finds a cherished and celebrated quarter under the pop machine.
In those brief moments, the power of her eyes overflowed with the true meaning of “How are you doing?” There was a validation of my worth – as her eyes affirmed, “You matter to me.” There was a verification of love – as her eyes corroborated, “I care deeply about you.” And there was a confirmation of authenticity – as her eyes convinced me, “I am behind you in this.”
So when you and I take a moment to give an encouraging word to a friend, learn the lesson of the eyes. Maximize your message. Say it beyond words.
Others around me would have been oblivious to the impact that those brief moments had on me. My friend herself knows only the half at best.
Though she will remain anonymous, I called her this afternoon to thank her personally before I posted this.
Monday, September 28, 2009
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
September 28, 2009
His name is Peter Peters…really, no joke, that’s his real name.
He sat slightly slouched in front of me by his son at the college volleyball game this week. He was weathered from the years and sporting both hearing aids and cane. Though a senior member of the Geritol Generation, he was very attentive, engaged and conversant. Still, he is one that you could easily pass by without much notice.
Yet, his story transfixed me. I was humbled and awed.
The man lives with intention. At 97, he is still pressing ahead with goals and has a purpose statement each year that guides him. This year he wants to talk face to face with each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren to challenge them about life. Still trying to impact the lives of others. Amazing!!!
Most people never see the other side of 90 and if they make it that far they would be thrilled just to be breathing, eat soft foods and to think clearly let alone get around with some measure of health. But to set goals at 97 for what you want to accomplish that year? Extraordinary!
Then I felt it hit me…a strange mixture of being humbled and challenged. Would anything be a valid excuse for me not to be more intentional with my life? Wow, if anyone has an excuse for taking it easy, Pete would.
This is not about giving tribute to unusual man. It is about you and me and making the most of the days God gives us. It’s the challenge to make no more excuses, no more justifications, no more mere intentions. Instead, it’s about living intentional – believing you are here for a purpose and to make a difference with your life.
The good book has it pretty clear in when it states “The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. “ (Psalm 90).
The heart of wisdom comes from realizing we have a limited number of times the monthly calendar will turn. We need to use our time wisely and with purpose.
Someone has said, “if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” What are your goals? What is your purpose for this year? What are you aiming at?
Remember this Peter Principle- make a decision to make a difference every year of your life.
Never let purpose die. Live with the perennial spirit of anticipation and accomplishment. If you have breath, you have life and opportunity. Believe you can make a difference. Give yourself away…care for somebody.
Live each day driven by a sense of your destiny. Do whatever our Creator has called you to do and do it with all you might!
Don’t Peter out…he isn’t! Make your life count!
His name is Peter Peters…really, no joke, that’s his real name.
He sat slightly slouched in front of me by his son at the college volleyball game this week. He was weathered from the years and sporting both hearing aids and cane. Though a senior member of the Geritol Generation, he was very attentive, engaged and conversant. Still, he is one that you could easily pass by without much notice.
Yet, his story transfixed me. I was humbled and awed.
The man lives with intention. At 97, he is still pressing ahead with goals and has a purpose statement each year that guides him. This year he wants to talk face to face with each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren to challenge them about life. Still trying to impact the lives of others. Amazing!!!
Most people never see the other side of 90 and if they make it that far they would be thrilled just to be breathing, eat soft foods and to think clearly let alone get around with some measure of health. But to set goals at 97 for what you want to accomplish that year? Extraordinary!
Then I felt it hit me…a strange mixture of being humbled and challenged. Would anything be a valid excuse for me not to be more intentional with my life? Wow, if anyone has an excuse for taking it easy, Pete would.
This is not about giving tribute to unusual man. It is about you and me and making the most of the days God gives us. It’s the challenge to make no more excuses, no more justifications, no more mere intentions. Instead, it’s about living intentional – believing you are here for a purpose and to make a difference with your life.
The good book has it pretty clear in when it states “The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. “ (Psalm 90).
The heart of wisdom comes from realizing we have a limited number of times the monthly calendar will turn. We need to use our time wisely and with purpose.
Someone has said, “if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” What are your goals? What is your purpose for this year? What are you aiming at?
Remember this Peter Principle- make a decision to make a difference every year of your life.
Never let purpose die. Live with the perennial spirit of anticipation and accomplishment. If you have breath, you have life and opportunity. Believe you can make a difference. Give yourself away…care for somebody.
Live each day driven by a sense of your destiny. Do whatever our Creator has called you to do and do it with all you might!
Don’t Peter out…he isn’t! Make your life count!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Good Friends Shoot Straight
September 21, 2009
Faithful are the wounds of a friend…a very wise proverb! Let me show you why.
I know him for 25 years this past February. He’s a really close friend…and boy,
did he lay the smack down on me today!!!
He told me straight. He pulled no punches. He challenged me that others had it worse and I needed to just accept where things were at for the time being because neither worrying nor griping about them would change a thing.
To be honest, inside I felt sorry for myself. Is this what good friends do? After all, he wasn’t being very compassionate. Couldn’t he see how much hurt this had brought me?
But was I looking for a balanced perspective or a boatload of sympathy? Okay, so it was the sympathy…I just wanted someone to commiserate. To tell my how unfair this was.
But what he gave me was like existential smelling salts.
Though my head snapped back in disbelief, I soon came to my senses realizing it was exactly what I needed to hear. Truth always anchors you! And real friends tell it like it is.
And to prove how good a friend he was, he called back later with a voice message of encouragement to make sure I had taken it well and I knew he was in my corner.
Looking back, I sense a theme surfacing…on another occasion when I had felt completely trashed by a co-worker, my very challenging executive coach at the time told me in very gracious and articulate words that continuing to focus on the negative circumstances and feeling sorry for myself would not get me anywhere.
So I asked him directly, “are you saying that I need to suck it up?”
He softly said, “Yes, I guess I am.”
No, not merely a trend…because at another intersection in my life with difficulty and chaos, a 3rd good friend called me account, “You have to shoulder this load – it’s your turn for hard times.”
What are you looking for in a friend? It’s so true that we all need a place where we can both brag or bellyache and be accepted for either. They can rejoice when you do and actually be happy for you. That can get choked with you at some injustice you have faced. Friends can hurt with you.
But…they don’t let you wallow in your emotional mud. Brooding over broken dreams only leads to bitterness and not betterment.
Good friends aren't afraid to speak truth to you even if it’s tough for you to hear it. Schmucks tell you what you want to hear; they tell you anything so you approve of them and their friendship. Listen to the right voices in your life.
Interesting that all three of these friends told me to go to God for the greatest sense of peace and wisdom in the confusion…so I did.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend…a very wise proverb! Let me show you why.
I know him for 25 years this past February. He’s a really close friend…and boy,
did he lay the smack down on me today!!!
He told me straight. He pulled no punches. He challenged me that others had it worse and I needed to just accept where things were at for the time being because neither worrying nor griping about them would change a thing.
To be honest, inside I felt sorry for myself. Is this what good friends do? After all, he wasn’t being very compassionate. Couldn’t he see how much hurt this had brought me?
But was I looking for a balanced perspective or a boatload of sympathy? Okay, so it was the sympathy…I just wanted someone to commiserate. To tell my how unfair this was.
But what he gave me was like existential smelling salts.
Though my head snapped back in disbelief, I soon came to my senses realizing it was exactly what I needed to hear. Truth always anchors you! And real friends tell it like it is.
And to prove how good a friend he was, he called back later with a voice message of encouragement to make sure I had taken it well and I knew he was in my corner.
Looking back, I sense a theme surfacing…on another occasion when I had felt completely trashed by a co-worker, my very challenging executive coach at the time told me in very gracious and articulate words that continuing to focus on the negative circumstances and feeling sorry for myself would not get me anywhere.
So I asked him directly, “are you saying that I need to suck it up?”
He softly said, “Yes, I guess I am.”
No, not merely a trend…because at another intersection in my life with difficulty and chaos, a 3rd good friend called me account, “You have to shoulder this load – it’s your turn for hard times.”
What are you looking for in a friend? It’s so true that we all need a place where we can both brag or bellyache and be accepted for either. They can rejoice when you do and actually be happy for you. That can get choked with you at some injustice you have faced. Friends can hurt with you.
But…they don’t let you wallow in your emotional mud. Brooding over broken dreams only leads to bitterness and not betterment.
Good friends aren't afraid to speak truth to you even if it’s tough for you to hear it. Schmucks tell you what you want to hear; they tell you anything so you approve of them and their friendship. Listen to the right voices in your life.
Interesting that all three of these friends told me to go to God for the greatest sense of peace and wisdom in the confusion…so I did.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Critical Facts: Becoming Grace on Steroids
September 16, 2009
I have a critical side…no; some of you don’t get it yet. I am scrutiny on steroids!
You’d likely never notice it. After all, it doesn’t look very good to be the counselor, speaker, educator and former pastor type and walk around with an critical edge toward people. Not good for image.
So, I wear the mask of acceptance as good as the next person. For the most part, I have managed to keep my critical analysis internal. Though, there is no doubt that my wife and a few close friends have heard my opinions…my rantings!
I have always had an innate inclination to pass judgment on people. I don’t even know why or if it is more than the next person. I just know me. Regardless, it’s sad I know, especially when the “good book” says so clearly, “judge not, lest you will be judged, Dave.”
Enter my journey. For years I had a pet peeve – no, more of a negative grudge - about people being out of work. It seemed to me with any kind of initiative there is always work to be had. So, I have been antagonistic towards anyone who made excuses but had their hand out. In my mind, how pathetic, get a job!
The plot thickens. Now, as they say, I am “in between” jobs. ME…can you believe it?
I am the one without work. Talk about humbling but then…talk about convicting. Things look so different from here. I have a story. I can explain. But so many don’t know why or care to find out why I am “in between”. I could now be the recipient of someone’s distain; I could be judged for being out of work.
To make things worse, I had no say in how I got here and I don’t control how soon the next job will surface. I have all of a sudden developed a more compassionate outlook.
It’s been said you shouldn’t criticize another’s journey until you have walked a mile in their shoes. There is such truth to that. A lesson is beginning to form…you can sense it too.
I have always tended to judge others by their actions while measuring myself by my intentions. People always fell short. I could have easily chosen to cut them some slack but instead, I found myself looking at people around me with a microscope while counting on their use of a telescope.
I could justify judging others because I have always been hard on myself. I pushed myself and demanded excellence in all that I did. And I expected the same of those around me, whether it was spoken or unspoken. But my critical eye and demeanor didn’t end with general others in my life but extended to coworkers and of course, even my family.
Sadly and tragically, that’s where trouble sets in. You can end up spending your life scrutinizing those closest to you. You become adjudicator of their daily performance. Though you might mean well, next thing you know, through your harmless “comments, expectations, suggestions or evaluations,” your critical edge pushes the very people you love away.
The dead-end of judgment is a brick wall that cripples you!
By the way, this is not a new lesson for me either. I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons and I’ve regretted saying or implying many things. A number of years back, I even spent an entire year just focusing on one word - Graciousness – the art of extending grace and understanding to others…especially those I love.
You can change, you know. I am counting on it. Some say I have begun to some degree. But I am asking both God and the people I am accountable to for help in becoming “Grace on Steroids.”
I have a critical side…no; some of you don’t get it yet. I am scrutiny on steroids!
You’d likely never notice it. After all, it doesn’t look very good to be the counselor, speaker, educator and former pastor type and walk around with an critical edge toward people. Not good for image.
So, I wear the mask of acceptance as good as the next person. For the most part, I have managed to keep my critical analysis internal. Though, there is no doubt that my wife and a few close friends have heard my opinions…my rantings!
I have always had an innate inclination to pass judgment on people. I don’t even know why or if it is more than the next person. I just know me. Regardless, it’s sad I know, especially when the “good book” says so clearly, “judge not, lest you will be judged, Dave.”
Enter my journey. For years I had a pet peeve – no, more of a negative grudge - about people being out of work. It seemed to me with any kind of initiative there is always work to be had. So, I have been antagonistic towards anyone who made excuses but had their hand out. In my mind, how pathetic, get a job!
The plot thickens. Now, as they say, I am “in between” jobs. ME…can you believe it?
I am the one without work. Talk about humbling but then…talk about convicting. Things look so different from here. I have a story. I can explain. But so many don’t know why or care to find out why I am “in between”. I could now be the recipient of someone’s distain; I could be judged for being out of work.
To make things worse, I had no say in how I got here and I don’t control how soon the next job will surface. I have all of a sudden developed a more compassionate outlook.
It’s been said you shouldn’t criticize another’s journey until you have walked a mile in their shoes. There is such truth to that. A lesson is beginning to form…you can sense it too.
I have always tended to judge others by their actions while measuring myself by my intentions. People always fell short. I could have easily chosen to cut them some slack but instead, I found myself looking at people around me with a microscope while counting on their use of a telescope.
I could justify judging others because I have always been hard on myself. I pushed myself and demanded excellence in all that I did. And I expected the same of those around me, whether it was spoken or unspoken. But my critical eye and demeanor didn’t end with general others in my life but extended to coworkers and of course, even my family.
Sadly and tragically, that’s where trouble sets in. You can end up spending your life scrutinizing those closest to you. You become adjudicator of their daily performance. Though you might mean well, next thing you know, through your harmless “comments, expectations, suggestions or evaluations,” your critical edge pushes the very people you love away.
The dead-end of judgment is a brick wall that cripples you!
By the way, this is not a new lesson for me either. I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons and I’ve regretted saying or implying many things. A number of years back, I even spent an entire year just focusing on one word - Graciousness – the art of extending grace and understanding to others…especially those I love.
You can change, you know. I am counting on it. Some say I have begun to some degree. But I am asking both God and the people I am accountable to for help in becoming “Grace on Steroids.”
Sunday, September 13, 2009
TRUST- When Deep Confidence is Clear
September 13, 2009
Yesterday, I said, “I trust you…” to someone. In spite of surface tensions that could indicate contrary, deep in my heart, I knew I could maintain confidence in him.
Trust…what comes to your mind as to why you can fully trust someone?
I have experienced this many times but more often with the shoe on the other foot. I have witnessed blind trust before when people in crisis have needed to rely on me.
In the counseling office when a marital explosion and betrayal left the heart of the person empty and in despair, my words of affirmation that things could still turn around, anchored them with hope because they had grown to trust me. One person even said they would hope on my hope.
At the scene of a tragic, violent incident when help had not arrived yet, while cradling the bloody head of a stranger in my hand, I whispered words of support and strength to these panicky, searching eyes. I will never forget his barely audible plea, “don’t leave me…” TRUST…blind trust.
Then there was the day when my son Mitch was hit by the car. In his fear and apprehension of the growing pain, the clamoring crowd, the screaming ambulance and then the strangeness of the hospital, his little heart was becoming overwhelmed. When I said, “you’re going to be okay” into those tear-filled eyes so locked into mine, something transforming happened. He relaxed and buried his head in my chest for a comforting hug. Why? Trust. In this case, Dad said it would be ok…so that was good enough for him.
But why? What earns this trust? What brings the confidence?
A good number of things have already taken place when a person says, “I trust you…” I am reflecting on my current experience with a friend as well as a multitude of observations of helping people for more than 3 decades. Here’s how it shakes down to me.
To extend trust, people have experienced a compassion that clearly screams that they are important. They have felt a real empathy and warmth and know that you have their best interests at heart. They are safe with you even when they are not with you.
Some people trust because they have observed your character of life over time. To them, they have observed a trustworthy life, what’s said is done. Your word is your bond. You have come through for them before and have rarely, maybe even never let them down. There’s a dependable nature about you, a consistency inside and out.
Finally, people observe your convictions. You live what you believe. You have spoken your beliefs and commitments and there is clear evidence that you follow them. There is the integrity of a “no compromise” approach to life. You walk the talk. And when you combine this integrity with longevity, trust flourishes. You become a gift to anyone in your world.
Back to yesterday. What do I see going on? My friend has expressed great compassion for me. He has gone to immeasurable lengths to show he loves me. He is a man of character. I have watched him. His word is his word…period. And yes, there’s no doubt he is a man of conviction. His principles are true and followed whether its convenient or not and even when it costs him dearly.
And that’s why I trust him.
So the next time someone says "I trust you" or when deep in your heart you feel strongly that you can place your confidence in another…you may have a better feel for why. Trust is a good thing to develop and extend.
Yesterday, I said, “I trust you…” to someone. In spite of surface tensions that could indicate contrary, deep in my heart, I knew I could maintain confidence in him.
Trust…what comes to your mind as to why you can fully trust someone?
I have experienced this many times but more often with the shoe on the other foot. I have witnessed blind trust before when people in crisis have needed to rely on me.
In the counseling office when a marital explosion and betrayal left the heart of the person empty and in despair, my words of affirmation that things could still turn around, anchored them with hope because they had grown to trust me. One person even said they would hope on my hope.
At the scene of a tragic, violent incident when help had not arrived yet, while cradling the bloody head of a stranger in my hand, I whispered words of support and strength to these panicky, searching eyes. I will never forget his barely audible plea, “don’t leave me…” TRUST…blind trust.
Then there was the day when my son Mitch was hit by the car. In his fear and apprehension of the growing pain, the clamoring crowd, the screaming ambulance and then the strangeness of the hospital, his little heart was becoming overwhelmed. When I said, “you’re going to be okay” into those tear-filled eyes so locked into mine, something transforming happened. He relaxed and buried his head in my chest for a comforting hug. Why? Trust. In this case, Dad said it would be ok…so that was good enough for him.
But why? What earns this trust? What brings the confidence?
A good number of things have already taken place when a person says, “I trust you…” I am reflecting on my current experience with a friend as well as a multitude of observations of helping people for more than 3 decades. Here’s how it shakes down to me.
To extend trust, people have experienced a compassion that clearly screams that they are important. They have felt a real empathy and warmth and know that you have their best interests at heart. They are safe with you even when they are not with you.
Some people trust because they have observed your character of life over time. To them, they have observed a trustworthy life, what’s said is done. Your word is your bond. You have come through for them before and have rarely, maybe even never let them down. There’s a dependable nature about you, a consistency inside and out.
Finally, people observe your convictions. You live what you believe. You have spoken your beliefs and commitments and there is clear evidence that you follow them. There is the integrity of a “no compromise” approach to life. You walk the talk. And when you combine this integrity with longevity, trust flourishes. You become a gift to anyone in your world.
Back to yesterday. What do I see going on? My friend has expressed great compassion for me. He has gone to immeasurable lengths to show he loves me. He is a man of character. I have watched him. His word is his word…period. And yes, there’s no doubt he is a man of conviction. His principles are true and followed whether its convenient or not and even when it costs him dearly.
And that’s why I trust him.
So the next time someone says "I trust you" or when deep in your heart you feel strongly that you can place your confidence in another…you may have a better feel for why. Trust is a good thing to develop and extend.
Friday, September 11, 2009
"9 - 11" - Facing Life's Tragedies
September 11, 2009
“9 – 11” – forever codeword for tragedy.
8 years ago today, you, and I, and the world would no longer be the same. I watched the catastrophic events unfold and gasped as the second tower was hit. Yes, I too had no reference points for seeing them collapse to the ground. And likely as most of you did…watched it over and over again on the screen and then over and over in my mind. People jumping, smoke fuming, clouds of dust, screaming, fire, confusion and mass destruction…unimaginable, but we witnessed it.
Burned on my memory forever.
That morning, I was getting ready to go teach my college class when I witnessed the beginning of the horrific carnage. Once at the class, and after a brief commentary to about 25 students training to work with youth, we prayed and then I told them to go back home and observe what would be one of the most historic events in their adult lives. It was.
What makes tragedies so impacting on our lives?
I can remember vividly the day 3 veteran medical specialists told me they didn’t know what the lump was on my 7-year old daughter’s back. I just wished it was on my back. I recall facing the news as a family about my wife’s potential cancer. No frame of reference for it. I am reminded now about getting the call when my son got hit by a car. How bad was he? Would he make it? And you have your tragedies too.
Why are tragedies, more than most of life’s events, so etched on our minds?
Here’s why.
Imagine playing with a deck of cards. You have played many rounds and shuffled and dealt out many a hand. By then, you have likely seen every card in the deck. You know the game. Then, somehow, the game changes. A new and really different card shows up unexpectedly; its appearance is strange , it has a dark and ominous look. It doesn’t fit any scheme of the deck as you see it. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Frankly, no one at the table quite knows what to do with it.
Tragedies are like that. You are dealt a really different “wildcard”. You don’t know what to do with it. It’s totally new to you. In some cases, its more than one card, you get a completely bad hand! It’s more than you can handle.
Then, have you ever felt that the entire deck is completely stacked against you? Things are going from bad to worse. You are not used to even seeing cards like this let alone having to play them. You just don’t know what to do. You have no reference points – no experience – no rulebook.
That’s when you have to reach out. Look for those who have experience with bad hands and then look beyond.
I have worked in the past as a crisis counselor in a hospital. When someone came into emergency and was dancing at death’s door or had even kicked it wide open with a cardiac arrest, it was my job to pull the family aside so the doctors could work. Not always easy.
Here’s what I found.
Regardless of their background or beliefs coming into the hospital, not one family turned down my request, “would you like me to pray for you?” Every time, with that deer in the headlight look, they’d reach out for what they couldn’t solve or answer on their own. There had to be something more. Did you know, that in times of crisis, 91% of people reach out to pray?
At life’s toughest crossroads, only God makes sense.
Are you facing your own version of 9 – 11? Relationships, finances, health, kids, marriage, job loss? Take your tragedy to a God – He’s player every hand before.
“9 – 11” – forever codeword for tragedy.
8 years ago today, you, and I, and the world would no longer be the same. I watched the catastrophic events unfold and gasped as the second tower was hit. Yes, I too had no reference points for seeing them collapse to the ground. And likely as most of you did…watched it over and over again on the screen and then over and over in my mind. People jumping, smoke fuming, clouds of dust, screaming, fire, confusion and mass destruction…unimaginable, but we witnessed it.
Burned on my memory forever.
That morning, I was getting ready to go teach my college class when I witnessed the beginning of the horrific carnage. Once at the class, and after a brief commentary to about 25 students training to work with youth, we prayed and then I told them to go back home and observe what would be one of the most historic events in their adult lives. It was.
What makes tragedies so impacting on our lives?
I can remember vividly the day 3 veteran medical specialists told me they didn’t know what the lump was on my 7-year old daughter’s back. I just wished it was on my back. I recall facing the news as a family about my wife’s potential cancer. No frame of reference for it. I am reminded now about getting the call when my son got hit by a car. How bad was he? Would he make it? And you have your tragedies too.
Why are tragedies, more than most of life’s events, so etched on our minds?
Here’s why.
Imagine playing with a deck of cards. You have played many rounds and shuffled and dealt out many a hand. By then, you have likely seen every card in the deck. You know the game. Then, somehow, the game changes. A new and really different card shows up unexpectedly; its appearance is strange , it has a dark and ominous look. It doesn’t fit any scheme of the deck as you see it. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Frankly, no one at the table quite knows what to do with it.
Tragedies are like that. You are dealt a really different “wildcard”. You don’t know what to do with it. It’s totally new to you. In some cases, its more than one card, you get a completely bad hand! It’s more than you can handle.
Then, have you ever felt that the entire deck is completely stacked against you? Things are going from bad to worse. You are not used to even seeing cards like this let alone having to play them. You just don’t know what to do. You have no reference points – no experience – no rulebook.
That’s when you have to reach out. Look for those who have experience with bad hands and then look beyond.
I have worked in the past as a crisis counselor in a hospital. When someone came into emergency and was dancing at death’s door or had even kicked it wide open with a cardiac arrest, it was my job to pull the family aside so the doctors could work. Not always easy.
Here’s what I found.
Regardless of their background or beliefs coming into the hospital, not one family turned down my request, “would you like me to pray for you?” Every time, with that deer in the headlight look, they’d reach out for what they couldn’t solve or answer on their own. There had to be something more. Did you know, that in times of crisis, 91% of people reach out to pray?
At life’s toughest crossroads, only God makes sense.
Are you facing your own version of 9 – 11? Relationships, finances, health, kids, marriage, job loss? Take your tragedy to a God – He’s player every hand before.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Differences, Distance and Detachment: The Stalemate of Stubbornness
September 9, 2009
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Power of Words
September 4, 2009
Last night, something totally unusual happened to me. A total stranger blew me away with encouragement. I am still reeling, wondering how that was even possible.
Donalyn and I had agreed to have dinner and a visit with a former student that we hadn’t seen in 23 years. She is married and lives in Southern California. Her husband was busy with an evening meeting and would join us later. We reminisced and shared our journeys over the last 2 decades.
In college, I had been her professor and had spent quite a bit of time with her working through a number of very difficult personal issues (yes, I was her counselor). It appears by her story that God used our time together to give her hope and perspective when she was struggling to the point of life itself. Hope is a very good thing.
Why do I tell you this background? Well, picture with me what was going on in my head. I was her teacher, her counselor. She was the student. I had a goal. And last night, I had decided I was going to build into her life once more. I went there to bring words of encouragement. I went there to give hope…to help them.
That is NOT what happened. God had other plans.
No matter how intentional I was in trying to be there for them, affirm their journey, give wisdom and all, I repeatedly became the major recipient of untold nuggets and wisdom and mostly from a man I had never met before.
I am far more used to the caring role. I am in my zone when I am counseling. It’s me that repeatedly gives of myself to others (don’t think I’m looking for accolades either…it’s my life). But I give far easier than I receive.
It’s hard to take off the care-giving shoes and let someone care for me.
But boy, did it happen. He listened deep. He asked direct and even bold questions about the recent and difficult transition and deep hurdles I was working through because of it. He saw points where he could identify with me and shared his life and journey through similar hurdles in such an authentic and unflattering way. His openness and directness completely disarmed me.
This man knew my pain.
He verbalized what I was afraid to even admit to myself. He had been there and he gave me permission to be where I was at. He validated my journey and legitimized my inner turmoil in a way that was so freeing. No moralizing; no principles to try to get through it; not even any pep-talks about faith or God.
He said it was okay to be where I was at…that this was part of my journey.
And he listened more. But not just to me, though I felt so completely understood. He listened to the inner voice of God’s Spirit prompting him about me. God spoke to me through the words of this stranger with such riveting insights and refreshing grace.
The truth is…I could have sat with them all night, the peace was so pervasive. Perspective brought hope. Hope is real good.
Will you let someone care for you? There is power in words- words can convey truth that transforms.
Last night, something totally unusual happened to me. A total stranger blew me away with encouragement. I am still reeling, wondering how that was even possible.
Donalyn and I had agreed to have dinner and a visit with a former student that we hadn’t seen in 23 years. She is married and lives in Southern California. Her husband was busy with an evening meeting and would join us later. We reminisced and shared our journeys over the last 2 decades.
In college, I had been her professor and had spent quite a bit of time with her working through a number of very difficult personal issues (yes, I was her counselor). It appears by her story that God used our time together to give her hope and perspective when she was struggling to the point of life itself. Hope is a very good thing.
Why do I tell you this background? Well, picture with me what was going on in my head. I was her teacher, her counselor. She was the student. I had a goal. And last night, I had decided I was going to build into her life once more. I went there to bring words of encouragement. I went there to give hope…to help them.
That is NOT what happened. God had other plans.
No matter how intentional I was in trying to be there for them, affirm their journey, give wisdom and all, I repeatedly became the major recipient of untold nuggets and wisdom and mostly from a man I had never met before.
I am far more used to the caring role. I am in my zone when I am counseling. It’s me that repeatedly gives of myself to others (don’t think I’m looking for accolades either…it’s my life). But I give far easier than I receive.
It’s hard to take off the care-giving shoes and let someone care for me.
But boy, did it happen. He listened deep. He asked direct and even bold questions about the recent and difficult transition and deep hurdles I was working through because of it. He saw points where he could identify with me and shared his life and journey through similar hurdles in such an authentic and unflattering way. His openness and directness completely disarmed me.
This man knew my pain.
He verbalized what I was afraid to even admit to myself. He had been there and he gave me permission to be where I was at. He validated my journey and legitimized my inner turmoil in a way that was so freeing. No moralizing; no principles to try to get through it; not even any pep-talks about faith or God.
He said it was okay to be where I was at…that this was part of my journey.
And he listened more. But not just to me, though I felt so completely understood. He listened to the inner voice of God’s Spirit prompting him about me. God spoke to me through the words of this stranger with such riveting insights and refreshing grace.
The truth is…I could have sat with them all night, the peace was so pervasive. Perspective brought hope. Hope is real good.
Will you let someone care for you? There is power in words- words can convey truth that transforms.
Relational Residue
September 3, 2009
I hate to admit this…I am a man with a grudge.
Embarrassing I know. Not really becoming for a relational coach with a national TV show. I ran into this guy in the airport today. Just seeing him brought back like a flood, the painful memory of the one-liner he said to me over 8 years ago. Sheesh…8 YEARS! It bugs me that it still agitates me.
Hold it…let me at least try to defend myself. I know I have a strong constitution and that’s likely part of the problem (more on that later) but bitterness for this long…just doesn’t seem right. Okay, so I know it’s not right!
Back then, my wife and I were transitioning to the non-profit sector where personal financial backing in terms of monthly support from donors was the core of the plan. After he had heard of our new direction that implied financial backing, he said to me, “Now I guess you’ll come crawling to me begging for money!” (Ouch…). I determined that day that I would NEVER ask him to help us with our new calling. I would never give him the privilege to be part of what we were doing.
I never did. And smugly too.
But God has a sense of humor. Within a year, his married kids came to me for help. No, I didn’t ignore them or have no time for them. Just the opposite. I went overboard to extend myself to them. And inside, I wanted him to know I was the better man…since I was sure God would already be impressed.
God was REALLY impressed alright. The truth is that He had wanted me then to get things right with this man and help his kids for all the right reasons…to be authentic and all. But no, instead I played some kind of “holier than thou” chess game.
And I lost most of all.
Face it. People say things that they regret later. We all do. We say things that get misunderstood or taken wrongly. It happens all the time. That day, his line may have even been a weak attempt at humor but no, I incriminated him in my heart to the full extent of my inner law.
Now we cruise at 30,000 feet within 30 feet of this guy and I am wondering what it will take for me to let it go once and for all…to release him and the grudge. I know what to do. I really do. It’s my life to know these things. What stops me?
Pride.
Too proud to bring it up and look petty. To proud to admit I carried this for 8 years. Too proud to have to confess my grudge and arrogance. Too proud to ask for forgiveness. Downright embarrassed and just too proud.
But I also know that taking the step actually frees me. It is a gift to me. Bitterness it stupid. It’s like drinking poison and thinking that someone else will die. But taking steps of forgiveness opens the door for both personal well-being and relational wholeness. It brings a smile to God’s face too. No one regrets getting things right with someone.
And I won’t.
Well, I know you are wondering. If you are reading this…you can safely picture what happened at the luggage carousal because by now it did.
Do you have any relational residue?
I hate to admit this…I am a man with a grudge.
Embarrassing I know. Not really becoming for a relational coach with a national TV show. I ran into this guy in the airport today. Just seeing him brought back like a flood, the painful memory of the one-liner he said to me over 8 years ago. Sheesh…8 YEARS! It bugs me that it still agitates me.
Hold it…let me at least try to defend myself. I know I have a strong constitution and that’s likely part of the problem (more on that later) but bitterness for this long…just doesn’t seem right. Okay, so I know it’s not right!
Back then, my wife and I were transitioning to the non-profit sector where personal financial backing in terms of monthly support from donors was the core of the plan. After he had heard of our new direction that implied financial backing, he said to me, “Now I guess you’ll come crawling to me begging for money!” (Ouch…). I determined that day that I would NEVER ask him to help us with our new calling. I would never give him the privilege to be part of what we were doing.
I never did. And smugly too.
But God has a sense of humor. Within a year, his married kids came to me for help. No, I didn’t ignore them or have no time for them. Just the opposite. I went overboard to extend myself to them. And inside, I wanted him to know I was the better man…since I was sure God would already be impressed.
God was REALLY impressed alright. The truth is that He had wanted me then to get things right with this man and help his kids for all the right reasons…to be authentic and all. But no, instead I played some kind of “holier than thou” chess game.
And I lost most of all.
Face it. People say things that they regret later. We all do. We say things that get misunderstood or taken wrongly. It happens all the time. That day, his line may have even been a weak attempt at humor but no, I incriminated him in my heart to the full extent of my inner law.
Now we cruise at 30,000 feet within 30 feet of this guy and I am wondering what it will take for me to let it go once and for all…to release him and the grudge. I know what to do. I really do. It’s my life to know these things. What stops me?
Pride.
Too proud to bring it up and look petty. To proud to admit I carried this for 8 years. Too proud to have to confess my grudge and arrogance. Too proud to ask for forgiveness. Downright embarrassed and just too proud.
But I also know that taking the step actually frees me. It is a gift to me. Bitterness it stupid. It’s like drinking poison and thinking that someone else will die. But taking steps of forgiveness opens the door for both personal well-being and relational wholeness. It brings a smile to God’s face too. No one regrets getting things right with someone.
And I won’t.
Well, I know you are wondering. If you are reading this…you can safely picture what happened at the luggage carousal because by now it did.
Do you have any relational residue?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
When Tough Stuff Happens
September 2
When the “_______” hits the fan (and everything blows up in our face), I wonder sometimes if it’s the fertilizer needed for greater fruit in the next place we’ll work.
Adversity brings discomfort; so true. Set backs in our vocation just plain suck and bring a ton of hurt and all those “why” questions. Most of the time, I really try to avoid the tough stuff or at least get through it quickly.
But sometimes we get comfortable and complacent. At times there are seen and unseen complexities and pressures where we work that can consume us and thus hamper us. It’s like fighting an uphill battle at the very place where we are trying our best to fulfill our destiny. But it’s just not working and deep down we know it.
I have been there…recently. The fan felt so ominous and overwhelming and then the spray when the stuff hit…well, you got the picture and you likely know the feeling!
But is it possible that the fan and the excrement are a good thing?
Today, I feel like it may be a possibility but most of the time in the ups and downs of unforeseen set backs, its just plain crappy.
But what does beauty from ashes really mean and is it really true for you and me in life? I have been physically burnt in the past and it is really painful…scares are there to prove it. Yet, as tragic as the fires in California or BC are right now, we are told that out of the burned out areas comes a new refreshing, a cleansing, a starting over! Nature is less bothered by fires in the circle of life.
Maybe we shouldn’t be.
Gold is refined through the fire not “near” the fire. Gold actually breaks down before the dross is revealed and removed. Get the picture. For me, I don’t believe that God went for coffee when tough stuff hits the fan in my life. He has allowed it for a reason. Could it be His refining?
No, I don’t like it; I’m not some situational masochist. But I have seen and experienced much growth and good come through the ashes of set backs…even mine. And most of the time, my dross gets really clear. It can help me refocus on what is really important – and another level of refining is possible.
So join me right now in seeing where the dross may be in your destiny- what you are called to be doing, in your relationships- how you are affecting those in your world- in your authenticity- are you who you portray yourself to be and in your heart- are you chasing after what really matters.
And maybe next time, when you hear the fan winding up, think fertilizer…think growth and look for a real purpose in the tough stuff. That’s where I am at.
When the “_______” hits the fan (and everything blows up in our face), I wonder sometimes if it’s the fertilizer needed for greater fruit in the next place we’ll work.
Adversity brings discomfort; so true. Set backs in our vocation just plain suck and bring a ton of hurt and all those “why” questions. Most of the time, I really try to avoid the tough stuff or at least get through it quickly.
But sometimes we get comfortable and complacent. At times there are seen and unseen complexities and pressures where we work that can consume us and thus hamper us. It’s like fighting an uphill battle at the very place where we are trying our best to fulfill our destiny. But it’s just not working and deep down we know it.
I have been there…recently. The fan felt so ominous and overwhelming and then the spray when the stuff hit…well, you got the picture and you likely know the feeling!
But is it possible that the fan and the excrement are a good thing?
Today, I feel like it may be a possibility but most of the time in the ups and downs of unforeseen set backs, its just plain crappy.
But what does beauty from ashes really mean and is it really true for you and me in life? I have been physically burnt in the past and it is really painful…scares are there to prove it. Yet, as tragic as the fires in California or BC are right now, we are told that out of the burned out areas comes a new refreshing, a cleansing, a starting over! Nature is less bothered by fires in the circle of life.
Maybe we shouldn’t be.
Gold is refined through the fire not “near” the fire. Gold actually breaks down before the dross is revealed and removed. Get the picture. For me, I don’t believe that God went for coffee when tough stuff hits the fan in my life. He has allowed it for a reason. Could it be His refining?
No, I don’t like it; I’m not some situational masochist. But I have seen and experienced much growth and good come through the ashes of set backs…even mine. And most of the time, my dross gets really clear. It can help me refocus on what is really important – and another level of refining is possible.
So join me right now in seeing where the dross may be in your destiny- what you are called to be doing, in your relationships- how you are affecting those in your world- in your authenticity- are you who you portray yourself to be and in your heart- are you chasing after what really matters.
And maybe next time, when you hear the fan winding up, think fertilizer…think growth and look for a real purpose in the tough stuff. That’s where I am at.
Running Your Race
September 1, 2009
I’ve been challenged for some time to “blog”, so welcome to my world. Your taking time to read this should not be a waste. Sure, I will weave in the stuff of my life but for me, at the core, my purpose is to journey about life and the matters that affect all of us. It’s a commentary about what is truly important. It will braid in my views about one’s destiny, one’s relationships, one’s authenticity and one’s heart. It will be propelled by my deep and personal desire to make my life count. After all, I only get one shot at this life. You too.
This week I will run another marathon, this time, only a half. And it will be fun. Running the Disneyland Marathon (that’s right the theme park…me and Mickey) with 4 other friends will be a blast especially when as part of it we get to cross home plate in Anaheim Stadium. The marathon on Sunday takes on another purpose beyond fun and fitness.
I had a surprise 180 in my career. At this transitional point of my vocational track, I had been challenged by a good friend to have something to focus on (running a marathon) so I don’t get too fried by inactivity (if you know me, you know I am a triple type A and sitting still is not a gift). Being “in between” places of work, I have lots of free time to evaluate what my life is all about. So I share with you the intersection of lessons from running my marathon to running the race of life.
You see, if all things run their normal course, I am about two thirds done my race. What am I doing with the final 10,000 days God could be giving me? There’s no doubt that my work is my destiny…at least a big part of it. It occupies a major percentage of my time. It defines me, shapes me, enriches me and motivates me. It empowers me, catapults me, invigorates me and gives me purpose and meaning.
But when it goes bad, the stress is significant; again because it occupies such a big part of your life. Then it controls me, depresses me, humbles me, and discourages me. It erodes me, blockades me, paralyzes me and humiliates me. Purpose and meaning are lost. Maybe you have been through a tough time in your vocation too.
But what if destiny is beyond, is far bigger than what I do, beyond my work? What if you are being asked to push through “the wall” in your marathon of life when it seems that taking the next step is not born out of strength but sheer will? You see, it is what you do when you get to the tough points of the race that define you. Why not join me in asking God to help you run your best race no matter what you find yourself doing?
I’ve been challenged for some time to “blog”, so welcome to my world. Your taking time to read this should not be a waste. Sure, I will weave in the stuff of my life but for me, at the core, my purpose is to journey about life and the matters that affect all of us. It’s a commentary about what is truly important. It will braid in my views about one’s destiny, one’s relationships, one’s authenticity and one’s heart. It will be propelled by my deep and personal desire to make my life count. After all, I only get one shot at this life. You too.
This week I will run another marathon, this time, only a half. And it will be fun. Running the Disneyland Marathon (that’s right the theme park…me and Mickey) with 4 other friends will be a blast especially when as part of it we get to cross home plate in Anaheim Stadium. The marathon on Sunday takes on another purpose beyond fun and fitness.
I had a surprise 180 in my career. At this transitional point of my vocational track, I had been challenged by a good friend to have something to focus on (running a marathon) so I don’t get too fried by inactivity (if you know me, you know I am a triple type A and sitting still is not a gift). Being “in between” places of work, I have lots of free time to evaluate what my life is all about. So I share with you the intersection of lessons from running my marathon to running the race of life.
You see, if all things run their normal course, I am about two thirds done my race. What am I doing with the final 10,000 days God could be giving me? There’s no doubt that my work is my destiny…at least a big part of it. It occupies a major percentage of my time. It defines me, shapes me, enriches me and motivates me. It empowers me, catapults me, invigorates me and gives me purpose and meaning.
But when it goes bad, the stress is significant; again because it occupies such a big part of your life. Then it controls me, depresses me, humbles me, and discourages me. It erodes me, blockades me, paralyzes me and humiliates me. Purpose and meaning are lost. Maybe you have been through a tough time in your vocation too.
But what if destiny is beyond, is far bigger than what I do, beyond my work? What if you are being asked to push through “the wall” in your marathon of life when it seems that taking the next step is not born out of strength but sheer will? You see, it is what you do when you get to the tough points of the race that define you. Why not join me in asking God to help you run your best race no matter what you find yourself doing?
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