September 28, 2009
His name is Peter Peters…really, no joke, that’s his real name.
He sat slightly slouched in front of me by his son at the college volleyball game this week. He was weathered from the years and sporting both hearing aids and cane. Though a senior member of the Geritol Generation, he was very attentive, engaged and conversant. Still, he is one that you could easily pass by without much notice.
Yet, his story transfixed me. I was humbled and awed.
The man lives with intention. At 97, he is still pressing ahead with goals and has a purpose statement each year that guides him. This year he wants to talk face to face with each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren to challenge them about life. Still trying to impact the lives of others. Amazing!!!
Most people never see the other side of 90 and if they make it that far they would be thrilled just to be breathing, eat soft foods and to think clearly let alone get around with some measure of health. But to set goals at 97 for what you want to accomplish that year? Extraordinary!
Then I felt it hit me…a strange mixture of being humbled and challenged. Would anything be a valid excuse for me not to be more intentional with my life? Wow, if anyone has an excuse for taking it easy, Pete would.
This is not about giving tribute to unusual man. It is about you and me and making the most of the days God gives us. It’s the challenge to make no more excuses, no more justifications, no more mere intentions. Instead, it’s about living intentional – believing you are here for a purpose and to make a difference with your life.
The good book has it pretty clear in when it states “The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. “ (Psalm 90).
The heart of wisdom comes from realizing we have a limited number of times the monthly calendar will turn. We need to use our time wisely and with purpose.
Someone has said, “if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” What are your goals? What is your purpose for this year? What are you aiming at?
Remember this Peter Principle- make a decision to make a difference every year of your life.
Never let purpose die. Live with the perennial spirit of anticipation and accomplishment. If you have breath, you have life and opportunity. Believe you can make a difference. Give yourself away…care for somebody.
Live each day driven by a sense of your destiny. Do whatever our Creator has called you to do and do it with all you might!
Don’t Peter out…he isn’t! Make your life count!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Good Friends Shoot Straight
September 21, 2009
Faithful are the wounds of a friend…a very wise proverb! Let me show you why.
I know him for 25 years this past February. He’s a really close friend…and boy,
did he lay the smack down on me today!!!
He told me straight. He pulled no punches. He challenged me that others had it worse and I needed to just accept where things were at for the time being because neither worrying nor griping about them would change a thing.
To be honest, inside I felt sorry for myself. Is this what good friends do? After all, he wasn’t being very compassionate. Couldn’t he see how much hurt this had brought me?
But was I looking for a balanced perspective or a boatload of sympathy? Okay, so it was the sympathy…I just wanted someone to commiserate. To tell my how unfair this was.
But what he gave me was like existential smelling salts.
Though my head snapped back in disbelief, I soon came to my senses realizing it was exactly what I needed to hear. Truth always anchors you! And real friends tell it like it is.
And to prove how good a friend he was, he called back later with a voice message of encouragement to make sure I had taken it well and I knew he was in my corner.
Looking back, I sense a theme surfacing…on another occasion when I had felt completely trashed by a co-worker, my very challenging executive coach at the time told me in very gracious and articulate words that continuing to focus on the negative circumstances and feeling sorry for myself would not get me anywhere.
So I asked him directly, “are you saying that I need to suck it up?”
He softly said, “Yes, I guess I am.”
No, not merely a trend…because at another intersection in my life with difficulty and chaos, a 3rd good friend called me account, “You have to shoulder this load – it’s your turn for hard times.”
What are you looking for in a friend? It’s so true that we all need a place where we can both brag or bellyache and be accepted for either. They can rejoice when you do and actually be happy for you. That can get choked with you at some injustice you have faced. Friends can hurt with you.
But…they don’t let you wallow in your emotional mud. Brooding over broken dreams only leads to bitterness and not betterment.
Good friends aren't afraid to speak truth to you even if it’s tough for you to hear it. Schmucks tell you what you want to hear; they tell you anything so you approve of them and their friendship. Listen to the right voices in your life.
Interesting that all three of these friends told me to go to God for the greatest sense of peace and wisdom in the confusion…so I did.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend…a very wise proverb! Let me show you why.
I know him for 25 years this past February. He’s a really close friend…and boy,
did he lay the smack down on me today!!!
He told me straight. He pulled no punches. He challenged me that others had it worse and I needed to just accept where things were at for the time being because neither worrying nor griping about them would change a thing.
To be honest, inside I felt sorry for myself. Is this what good friends do? After all, he wasn’t being very compassionate. Couldn’t he see how much hurt this had brought me?
But was I looking for a balanced perspective or a boatload of sympathy? Okay, so it was the sympathy…I just wanted someone to commiserate. To tell my how unfair this was.
But what he gave me was like existential smelling salts.
Though my head snapped back in disbelief, I soon came to my senses realizing it was exactly what I needed to hear. Truth always anchors you! And real friends tell it like it is.
And to prove how good a friend he was, he called back later with a voice message of encouragement to make sure I had taken it well and I knew he was in my corner.
Looking back, I sense a theme surfacing…on another occasion when I had felt completely trashed by a co-worker, my very challenging executive coach at the time told me in very gracious and articulate words that continuing to focus on the negative circumstances and feeling sorry for myself would not get me anywhere.
So I asked him directly, “are you saying that I need to suck it up?”
He softly said, “Yes, I guess I am.”
No, not merely a trend…because at another intersection in my life with difficulty and chaos, a 3rd good friend called me account, “You have to shoulder this load – it’s your turn for hard times.”
What are you looking for in a friend? It’s so true that we all need a place where we can both brag or bellyache and be accepted for either. They can rejoice when you do and actually be happy for you. That can get choked with you at some injustice you have faced. Friends can hurt with you.
But…they don’t let you wallow in your emotional mud. Brooding over broken dreams only leads to bitterness and not betterment.
Good friends aren't afraid to speak truth to you even if it’s tough for you to hear it. Schmucks tell you what you want to hear; they tell you anything so you approve of them and their friendship. Listen to the right voices in your life.
Interesting that all three of these friends told me to go to God for the greatest sense of peace and wisdom in the confusion…so I did.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Critical Facts: Becoming Grace on Steroids
September 16, 2009
I have a critical side…no; some of you don’t get it yet. I am scrutiny on steroids!
You’d likely never notice it. After all, it doesn’t look very good to be the counselor, speaker, educator and former pastor type and walk around with an critical edge toward people. Not good for image.
So, I wear the mask of acceptance as good as the next person. For the most part, I have managed to keep my critical analysis internal. Though, there is no doubt that my wife and a few close friends have heard my opinions…my rantings!
I have always had an innate inclination to pass judgment on people. I don’t even know why or if it is more than the next person. I just know me. Regardless, it’s sad I know, especially when the “good book” says so clearly, “judge not, lest you will be judged, Dave.”
Enter my journey. For years I had a pet peeve – no, more of a negative grudge - about people being out of work. It seemed to me with any kind of initiative there is always work to be had. So, I have been antagonistic towards anyone who made excuses but had their hand out. In my mind, how pathetic, get a job!
The plot thickens. Now, as they say, I am “in between” jobs. ME…can you believe it?
I am the one without work. Talk about humbling but then…talk about convicting. Things look so different from here. I have a story. I can explain. But so many don’t know why or care to find out why I am “in between”. I could now be the recipient of someone’s distain; I could be judged for being out of work.
To make things worse, I had no say in how I got here and I don’t control how soon the next job will surface. I have all of a sudden developed a more compassionate outlook.
It’s been said you shouldn’t criticize another’s journey until you have walked a mile in their shoes. There is such truth to that. A lesson is beginning to form…you can sense it too.
I have always tended to judge others by their actions while measuring myself by my intentions. People always fell short. I could have easily chosen to cut them some slack but instead, I found myself looking at people around me with a microscope while counting on their use of a telescope.
I could justify judging others because I have always been hard on myself. I pushed myself and demanded excellence in all that I did. And I expected the same of those around me, whether it was spoken or unspoken. But my critical eye and demeanor didn’t end with general others in my life but extended to coworkers and of course, even my family.
Sadly and tragically, that’s where trouble sets in. You can end up spending your life scrutinizing those closest to you. You become adjudicator of their daily performance. Though you might mean well, next thing you know, through your harmless “comments, expectations, suggestions or evaluations,” your critical edge pushes the very people you love away.
The dead-end of judgment is a brick wall that cripples you!
By the way, this is not a new lesson for me either. I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons and I’ve regretted saying or implying many things. A number of years back, I even spent an entire year just focusing on one word - Graciousness – the art of extending grace and understanding to others…especially those I love.
You can change, you know. I am counting on it. Some say I have begun to some degree. But I am asking both God and the people I am accountable to for help in becoming “Grace on Steroids.”
I have a critical side…no; some of you don’t get it yet. I am scrutiny on steroids!
You’d likely never notice it. After all, it doesn’t look very good to be the counselor, speaker, educator and former pastor type and walk around with an critical edge toward people. Not good for image.
So, I wear the mask of acceptance as good as the next person. For the most part, I have managed to keep my critical analysis internal. Though, there is no doubt that my wife and a few close friends have heard my opinions…my rantings!
I have always had an innate inclination to pass judgment on people. I don’t even know why or if it is more than the next person. I just know me. Regardless, it’s sad I know, especially when the “good book” says so clearly, “judge not, lest you will be judged, Dave.”
Enter my journey. For years I had a pet peeve – no, more of a negative grudge - about people being out of work. It seemed to me with any kind of initiative there is always work to be had. So, I have been antagonistic towards anyone who made excuses but had their hand out. In my mind, how pathetic, get a job!
The plot thickens. Now, as they say, I am “in between” jobs. ME…can you believe it?
I am the one without work. Talk about humbling but then…talk about convicting. Things look so different from here. I have a story. I can explain. But so many don’t know why or care to find out why I am “in between”. I could now be the recipient of someone’s distain; I could be judged for being out of work.
To make things worse, I had no say in how I got here and I don’t control how soon the next job will surface. I have all of a sudden developed a more compassionate outlook.
It’s been said you shouldn’t criticize another’s journey until you have walked a mile in their shoes. There is such truth to that. A lesson is beginning to form…you can sense it too.
I have always tended to judge others by their actions while measuring myself by my intentions. People always fell short. I could have easily chosen to cut them some slack but instead, I found myself looking at people around me with a microscope while counting on their use of a telescope.
I could justify judging others because I have always been hard on myself. I pushed myself and demanded excellence in all that I did. And I expected the same of those around me, whether it was spoken or unspoken. But my critical eye and demeanor didn’t end with general others in my life but extended to coworkers and of course, even my family.
Sadly and tragically, that’s where trouble sets in. You can end up spending your life scrutinizing those closest to you. You become adjudicator of their daily performance. Though you might mean well, next thing you know, through your harmless “comments, expectations, suggestions or evaluations,” your critical edge pushes the very people you love away.
The dead-end of judgment is a brick wall that cripples you!
By the way, this is not a new lesson for me either. I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons and I’ve regretted saying or implying many things. A number of years back, I even spent an entire year just focusing on one word - Graciousness – the art of extending grace and understanding to others…especially those I love.
You can change, you know. I am counting on it. Some say I have begun to some degree. But I am asking both God and the people I am accountable to for help in becoming “Grace on Steroids.”
Sunday, September 13, 2009
TRUST- When Deep Confidence is Clear
September 13, 2009
Yesterday, I said, “I trust you…” to someone. In spite of surface tensions that could indicate contrary, deep in my heart, I knew I could maintain confidence in him.
Trust…what comes to your mind as to why you can fully trust someone?
I have experienced this many times but more often with the shoe on the other foot. I have witnessed blind trust before when people in crisis have needed to rely on me.
In the counseling office when a marital explosion and betrayal left the heart of the person empty and in despair, my words of affirmation that things could still turn around, anchored them with hope because they had grown to trust me. One person even said they would hope on my hope.
At the scene of a tragic, violent incident when help had not arrived yet, while cradling the bloody head of a stranger in my hand, I whispered words of support and strength to these panicky, searching eyes. I will never forget his barely audible plea, “don’t leave me…” TRUST…blind trust.
Then there was the day when my son Mitch was hit by the car. In his fear and apprehension of the growing pain, the clamoring crowd, the screaming ambulance and then the strangeness of the hospital, his little heart was becoming overwhelmed. When I said, “you’re going to be okay” into those tear-filled eyes so locked into mine, something transforming happened. He relaxed and buried his head in my chest for a comforting hug. Why? Trust. In this case, Dad said it would be ok…so that was good enough for him.
But why? What earns this trust? What brings the confidence?
A good number of things have already taken place when a person says, “I trust you…” I am reflecting on my current experience with a friend as well as a multitude of observations of helping people for more than 3 decades. Here’s how it shakes down to me.
To extend trust, people have experienced a compassion that clearly screams that they are important. They have felt a real empathy and warmth and know that you have their best interests at heart. They are safe with you even when they are not with you.
Some people trust because they have observed your character of life over time. To them, they have observed a trustworthy life, what’s said is done. Your word is your bond. You have come through for them before and have rarely, maybe even never let them down. There’s a dependable nature about you, a consistency inside and out.
Finally, people observe your convictions. You live what you believe. You have spoken your beliefs and commitments and there is clear evidence that you follow them. There is the integrity of a “no compromise” approach to life. You walk the talk. And when you combine this integrity with longevity, trust flourishes. You become a gift to anyone in your world.
Back to yesterday. What do I see going on? My friend has expressed great compassion for me. He has gone to immeasurable lengths to show he loves me. He is a man of character. I have watched him. His word is his word…period. And yes, there’s no doubt he is a man of conviction. His principles are true and followed whether its convenient or not and even when it costs him dearly.
And that’s why I trust him.
So the next time someone says "I trust you" or when deep in your heart you feel strongly that you can place your confidence in another…you may have a better feel for why. Trust is a good thing to develop and extend.
Yesterday, I said, “I trust you…” to someone. In spite of surface tensions that could indicate contrary, deep in my heart, I knew I could maintain confidence in him.
Trust…what comes to your mind as to why you can fully trust someone?
I have experienced this many times but more often with the shoe on the other foot. I have witnessed blind trust before when people in crisis have needed to rely on me.
In the counseling office when a marital explosion and betrayal left the heart of the person empty and in despair, my words of affirmation that things could still turn around, anchored them with hope because they had grown to trust me. One person even said they would hope on my hope.
At the scene of a tragic, violent incident when help had not arrived yet, while cradling the bloody head of a stranger in my hand, I whispered words of support and strength to these panicky, searching eyes. I will never forget his barely audible plea, “don’t leave me…” TRUST…blind trust.
Then there was the day when my son Mitch was hit by the car. In his fear and apprehension of the growing pain, the clamoring crowd, the screaming ambulance and then the strangeness of the hospital, his little heart was becoming overwhelmed. When I said, “you’re going to be okay” into those tear-filled eyes so locked into mine, something transforming happened. He relaxed and buried his head in my chest for a comforting hug. Why? Trust. In this case, Dad said it would be ok…so that was good enough for him.
But why? What earns this trust? What brings the confidence?
A good number of things have already taken place when a person says, “I trust you…” I am reflecting on my current experience with a friend as well as a multitude of observations of helping people for more than 3 decades. Here’s how it shakes down to me.
To extend trust, people have experienced a compassion that clearly screams that they are important. They have felt a real empathy and warmth and know that you have their best interests at heart. They are safe with you even when they are not with you.
Some people trust because they have observed your character of life over time. To them, they have observed a trustworthy life, what’s said is done. Your word is your bond. You have come through for them before and have rarely, maybe even never let them down. There’s a dependable nature about you, a consistency inside and out.
Finally, people observe your convictions. You live what you believe. You have spoken your beliefs and commitments and there is clear evidence that you follow them. There is the integrity of a “no compromise” approach to life. You walk the talk. And when you combine this integrity with longevity, trust flourishes. You become a gift to anyone in your world.
Back to yesterday. What do I see going on? My friend has expressed great compassion for me. He has gone to immeasurable lengths to show he loves me. He is a man of character. I have watched him. His word is his word…period. And yes, there’s no doubt he is a man of conviction. His principles are true and followed whether its convenient or not and even when it costs him dearly.
And that’s why I trust him.
So the next time someone says "I trust you" or when deep in your heart you feel strongly that you can place your confidence in another…you may have a better feel for why. Trust is a good thing to develop and extend.
Friday, September 11, 2009
"9 - 11" - Facing Life's Tragedies
September 11, 2009
“9 – 11” – forever codeword for tragedy.
8 years ago today, you, and I, and the world would no longer be the same. I watched the catastrophic events unfold and gasped as the second tower was hit. Yes, I too had no reference points for seeing them collapse to the ground. And likely as most of you did…watched it over and over again on the screen and then over and over in my mind. People jumping, smoke fuming, clouds of dust, screaming, fire, confusion and mass destruction…unimaginable, but we witnessed it.
Burned on my memory forever.
That morning, I was getting ready to go teach my college class when I witnessed the beginning of the horrific carnage. Once at the class, and after a brief commentary to about 25 students training to work with youth, we prayed and then I told them to go back home and observe what would be one of the most historic events in their adult lives. It was.
What makes tragedies so impacting on our lives?
I can remember vividly the day 3 veteran medical specialists told me they didn’t know what the lump was on my 7-year old daughter’s back. I just wished it was on my back. I recall facing the news as a family about my wife’s potential cancer. No frame of reference for it. I am reminded now about getting the call when my son got hit by a car. How bad was he? Would he make it? And you have your tragedies too.
Why are tragedies, more than most of life’s events, so etched on our minds?
Here’s why.
Imagine playing with a deck of cards. You have played many rounds and shuffled and dealt out many a hand. By then, you have likely seen every card in the deck. You know the game. Then, somehow, the game changes. A new and really different card shows up unexpectedly; its appearance is strange , it has a dark and ominous look. It doesn’t fit any scheme of the deck as you see it. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Frankly, no one at the table quite knows what to do with it.
Tragedies are like that. You are dealt a really different “wildcard”. You don’t know what to do with it. It’s totally new to you. In some cases, its more than one card, you get a completely bad hand! It’s more than you can handle.
Then, have you ever felt that the entire deck is completely stacked against you? Things are going from bad to worse. You are not used to even seeing cards like this let alone having to play them. You just don’t know what to do. You have no reference points – no experience – no rulebook.
That’s when you have to reach out. Look for those who have experience with bad hands and then look beyond.
I have worked in the past as a crisis counselor in a hospital. When someone came into emergency and was dancing at death’s door or had even kicked it wide open with a cardiac arrest, it was my job to pull the family aside so the doctors could work. Not always easy.
Here’s what I found.
Regardless of their background or beliefs coming into the hospital, not one family turned down my request, “would you like me to pray for you?” Every time, with that deer in the headlight look, they’d reach out for what they couldn’t solve or answer on their own. There had to be something more. Did you know, that in times of crisis, 91% of people reach out to pray?
At life’s toughest crossroads, only God makes sense.
Are you facing your own version of 9 – 11? Relationships, finances, health, kids, marriage, job loss? Take your tragedy to a God – He’s player every hand before.
“9 – 11” – forever codeword for tragedy.
8 years ago today, you, and I, and the world would no longer be the same. I watched the catastrophic events unfold and gasped as the second tower was hit. Yes, I too had no reference points for seeing them collapse to the ground. And likely as most of you did…watched it over and over again on the screen and then over and over in my mind. People jumping, smoke fuming, clouds of dust, screaming, fire, confusion and mass destruction…unimaginable, but we witnessed it.
Burned on my memory forever.
That morning, I was getting ready to go teach my college class when I witnessed the beginning of the horrific carnage. Once at the class, and after a brief commentary to about 25 students training to work with youth, we prayed and then I told them to go back home and observe what would be one of the most historic events in their adult lives. It was.
What makes tragedies so impacting on our lives?
I can remember vividly the day 3 veteran medical specialists told me they didn’t know what the lump was on my 7-year old daughter’s back. I just wished it was on my back. I recall facing the news as a family about my wife’s potential cancer. No frame of reference for it. I am reminded now about getting the call when my son got hit by a car. How bad was he? Would he make it? And you have your tragedies too.
Why are tragedies, more than most of life’s events, so etched on our minds?
Here’s why.
Imagine playing with a deck of cards. You have played many rounds and shuffled and dealt out many a hand. By then, you have likely seen every card in the deck. You know the game. Then, somehow, the game changes. A new and really different card shows up unexpectedly; its appearance is strange , it has a dark and ominous look. It doesn’t fit any scheme of the deck as you see it. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Frankly, no one at the table quite knows what to do with it.
Tragedies are like that. You are dealt a really different “wildcard”. You don’t know what to do with it. It’s totally new to you. In some cases, its more than one card, you get a completely bad hand! It’s more than you can handle.
Then, have you ever felt that the entire deck is completely stacked against you? Things are going from bad to worse. You are not used to even seeing cards like this let alone having to play them. You just don’t know what to do. You have no reference points – no experience – no rulebook.
That’s when you have to reach out. Look for those who have experience with bad hands and then look beyond.
I have worked in the past as a crisis counselor in a hospital. When someone came into emergency and was dancing at death’s door or had even kicked it wide open with a cardiac arrest, it was my job to pull the family aside so the doctors could work. Not always easy.
Here’s what I found.
Regardless of their background or beliefs coming into the hospital, not one family turned down my request, “would you like me to pray for you?” Every time, with that deer in the headlight look, they’d reach out for what they couldn’t solve or answer on their own. There had to be something more. Did you know, that in times of crisis, 91% of people reach out to pray?
At life’s toughest crossroads, only God makes sense.
Are you facing your own version of 9 – 11? Relationships, finances, health, kids, marriage, job loss? Take your tragedy to a God – He’s player every hand before.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Differences, Distance and Detachment: The Stalemate of Stubbornness
September 9, 2009
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
My wife and I are very, very different. One friend said to me after hearing part of our story at a conference where Donalyn and I were speaking together, “With you two being so different, I don’t know how you have made it this long?”
Differences are good or so we are told. You know, having dissimilar personalities, dispositions and temperaments is said to be able to strengthen ties between two people. Make no mistake, it is true: opposites do attract. And my experience as a marriage educator for over 30 years with 1000’s of couples confirms it.
And as our love story goes, as polar opposites, we were drawn together too (plus the fact my wife was hot…).
We are all drawn towards someone who fills our gaps, someone who compliments our outlook, someone who is strong where we may be weak.
But, sometimes these differences can cause a lot of “differences”… those of the not so welcome kind. For two lives to mesh is not an easy venture. What once was a drawing card – a point of attraction – can become the trump card, a point of distraction!!!
You see, our differing personalities and approaches to life can often move from complimenting to colliding. And you mix in a little life stress from the outside and a dose of stubbornness within and BINGO…not a pretty sight. It sometimes feels easier to have things grow apart in your relationship than to have it grow closer…a lot easier.
Do all couples naturally grow apart? Well for Donalyn and I, we can and we still do from time to time.
So when your differences start creating distance and then detachment in your most important relationship, what is really going on?
Now, I digress. This week, we went with friends to a Bubba Gump restaurant in LA. Beyond having some great laughter and amazingly generous portions of food, we were quizzed with a ton of Forrest Gump trivia questions, the movie where the “Bubba Gump” name came from. One of his famous lines in the quiz was, “stupid is as stupid does.”
How does this connect with our most important relationships?
Why don’t I automatically want to rekindle, restore or reconcile my most important and most critical relationship in life? Like how stupid is that?
But it’s not that easy to sort through for me.
As I look within, it’s often my hurt over not feeling respected and my perception of ongoing poor treatment that holds me back. If I don’t feel my pain is validated or even worse, minimized, I can miss an important starting point – feeling heard and understood.
Complication…what if she is feeling the EXACT same thing – not feeling heard and understood.
It’s the dance of self-pity where our moves are all about “me” - focusing on my pain, my needs, my sacrifices and my expectations. We so clearly see and feel the hurts caused by the other and as equally easy, don’t see our shortcomings.
So what to I do when I don’t feel heard? My usual reaction is to pull away and create distance- both a physical and emotional gap. I can cut off affection, cut off small talk, and cut off disclosure. And look, you think I don’t know that this only makes things worse???
It’s true - Stupid is as stupid does…thanks Forrest.
You live the stalemate of stubbornness. You have to meet my needs…no you have to meet mine. I am experiencing more pain…no, I am. And so on and so on…you only set yourself up for more distance.
Stop the treadmill towards detachment. Do what you know is right. Base your life decisions on what you value and not what you feel. Differences don’t have to lead to distance.
We’ll make it again because I value my wife.
I will blog another day on forgiveness…and why it’s hard for me.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Power of Words
September 4, 2009
Last night, something totally unusual happened to me. A total stranger blew me away with encouragement. I am still reeling, wondering how that was even possible.
Donalyn and I had agreed to have dinner and a visit with a former student that we hadn’t seen in 23 years. She is married and lives in Southern California. Her husband was busy with an evening meeting and would join us later. We reminisced and shared our journeys over the last 2 decades.
In college, I had been her professor and had spent quite a bit of time with her working through a number of very difficult personal issues (yes, I was her counselor). It appears by her story that God used our time together to give her hope and perspective when she was struggling to the point of life itself. Hope is a very good thing.
Why do I tell you this background? Well, picture with me what was going on in my head. I was her teacher, her counselor. She was the student. I had a goal. And last night, I had decided I was going to build into her life once more. I went there to bring words of encouragement. I went there to give hope…to help them.
That is NOT what happened. God had other plans.
No matter how intentional I was in trying to be there for them, affirm their journey, give wisdom and all, I repeatedly became the major recipient of untold nuggets and wisdom and mostly from a man I had never met before.
I am far more used to the caring role. I am in my zone when I am counseling. It’s me that repeatedly gives of myself to others (don’t think I’m looking for accolades either…it’s my life). But I give far easier than I receive.
It’s hard to take off the care-giving shoes and let someone care for me.
But boy, did it happen. He listened deep. He asked direct and even bold questions about the recent and difficult transition and deep hurdles I was working through because of it. He saw points where he could identify with me and shared his life and journey through similar hurdles in such an authentic and unflattering way. His openness and directness completely disarmed me.
This man knew my pain.
He verbalized what I was afraid to even admit to myself. He had been there and he gave me permission to be where I was at. He validated my journey and legitimized my inner turmoil in a way that was so freeing. No moralizing; no principles to try to get through it; not even any pep-talks about faith or God.
He said it was okay to be where I was at…that this was part of my journey.
And he listened more. But not just to me, though I felt so completely understood. He listened to the inner voice of God’s Spirit prompting him about me. God spoke to me through the words of this stranger with such riveting insights and refreshing grace.
The truth is…I could have sat with them all night, the peace was so pervasive. Perspective brought hope. Hope is real good.
Will you let someone care for you? There is power in words- words can convey truth that transforms.
Last night, something totally unusual happened to me. A total stranger blew me away with encouragement. I am still reeling, wondering how that was even possible.
Donalyn and I had agreed to have dinner and a visit with a former student that we hadn’t seen in 23 years. She is married and lives in Southern California. Her husband was busy with an evening meeting and would join us later. We reminisced and shared our journeys over the last 2 decades.
In college, I had been her professor and had spent quite a bit of time with her working through a number of very difficult personal issues (yes, I was her counselor). It appears by her story that God used our time together to give her hope and perspective when she was struggling to the point of life itself. Hope is a very good thing.
Why do I tell you this background? Well, picture with me what was going on in my head. I was her teacher, her counselor. She was the student. I had a goal. And last night, I had decided I was going to build into her life once more. I went there to bring words of encouragement. I went there to give hope…to help them.
That is NOT what happened. God had other plans.
No matter how intentional I was in trying to be there for them, affirm their journey, give wisdom and all, I repeatedly became the major recipient of untold nuggets and wisdom and mostly from a man I had never met before.
I am far more used to the caring role. I am in my zone when I am counseling. It’s me that repeatedly gives of myself to others (don’t think I’m looking for accolades either…it’s my life). But I give far easier than I receive.
It’s hard to take off the care-giving shoes and let someone care for me.
But boy, did it happen. He listened deep. He asked direct and even bold questions about the recent and difficult transition and deep hurdles I was working through because of it. He saw points where he could identify with me and shared his life and journey through similar hurdles in such an authentic and unflattering way. His openness and directness completely disarmed me.
This man knew my pain.
He verbalized what I was afraid to even admit to myself. He had been there and he gave me permission to be where I was at. He validated my journey and legitimized my inner turmoil in a way that was so freeing. No moralizing; no principles to try to get through it; not even any pep-talks about faith or God.
He said it was okay to be where I was at…that this was part of my journey.
And he listened more. But not just to me, though I felt so completely understood. He listened to the inner voice of God’s Spirit prompting him about me. God spoke to me through the words of this stranger with such riveting insights and refreshing grace.
The truth is…I could have sat with them all night, the peace was so pervasive. Perspective brought hope. Hope is real good.
Will you let someone care for you? There is power in words- words can convey truth that transforms.
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